(February 19, 2019)

I’ve recently been turned on to a podcast called “Girls Gotta Eat” and as silly as it sounds, it has truly inspired some things in my life.  Basic synopsis, it’s relationship and sex talk-radio, hosted by two 30something single girls, with various guest appearances ranging from comedians to medical professionals and everything in between.  While sometimes the banter can get a little over the top or redundant, I love that their message of empowerment is always a top priority. In a recent episode, the girls encouraged women to be a “do-nothing b*tch (or DNB)” and I have literally never been more moved.  Allow me to explain.

Urbandictionary.com credits Ronda Rousey with coining this term, which defines a woman who has no goals, no motivation and lives her whole life spending a man’s money with none of her own.  Girls Gotta Eat and myself are re-defining the DNB and empowering it.  For far too long women have felt obligated to be “yes” people.  Whether it’s as small as agreeing to commitments we’re not really thrilled about or as big as engaging in sexual acts we’re not ready for, it’s been engrained in our minds that it’s impolite to be disagreeable or cause confrontation.  So maybe it’s time we decide to “do nothing” we don’t want to do (within reason of course. I don’t necessarily “want” to clean my toilets at home but that’s life.) 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying no to things that make you uncomfortable.  Men do it all the time.  If you are feeling overwhelmed or stretched thin already and someone asks you to help them with something, just say no and explain why.  If that person can’t respect your limitations and feelings or is mad at you for not accommodating them, they have no place in your life.  Same as in romantic relationships.  If you really like someone and they are pushing for things to move faster than you would like, pump the brakes.  Tell them you really enjoy them and want to explore the relationship, but you’re not interested in giving all you have right up front.  Or maybe they’re expecting some action but not doing the best job at meeting your needs.  It’s perfectly ok to put that discussion on the table and say “I’m not doing X unless you are willing to do Z.”  Don’t use it as a weapon or ultimatum, but everyone has certain things they need to feel satisfied within a relationship, and if your partner isn’t going to do them, it might not be a relationship that can work out in the long run. Maybe you have a friend who you’re constantly assisting, being a listening ear to or rescuing in some form or fashion, but can never seem to depend on them when YOU’RE the one in need.  No more.  Being a DNB can mean, “until I start receiving the same type of friendship in return that I am giving this person, I am doing nothing else for them.”  You would be amazed how much stress this can alleviate from your life. 

My entire dating life I feel like I’ve been a DEB- a “do EVERYTHING b*tch.”  I’ve went above and beyond for every relationship I’ve been in.  There’s not a lot I will say no to when it comes to making my partner happy, because my love language is acts of service.  I’m now single and divorced at 33 so we all see how well that has worked out for me.  I think it’s absolutely wonderful to be a yes person to people that deserve it, but from now on, I want them to have to earn that privilege.  As much as I hate to admit it, my mother was right.  Nobody is going to buy the cow when you’re giving the milk away for free.  And this isn’t just in terms of sex.  In general, if you’re catering to someone hand and foot and they have to give you nothing in return, why would they bother??  People are lazy folks, it’s just human nature.  So from here on out, sorry ‘bout it.  In relationships with me, whether we’re friends or dating, you’re going to get what you give. 

Although  I would hardly call myself a champion for women’s rights, I do have to pay respect to the women who came before me and fought for my right to have the ability to say yes or no.  We are so blessed to live in a country where we can do what we want, when we want and are protected by laws.  With so many women coming forward in recent years with stories of horrific abuse at the hands of men they knew, perhaps this attitude of saying no could put an end to this kind of treatment.  Far too frequently women have been too scared to stand up for themselves in these situations because they didn’t want to “rock the boat” in some capacity.  So they stayed silent out of fear and let things go on that they otherwise wouldn’t have done.  I encourage my fellow women to ALWAYS trust your gut instinct-it is a hereditary gift passed from your ancestors that will never serve you wrong.  If someone touches you or speaks to you in a way that makes your hair stand up or your skin to crawl, speak up!  Politely but firmly tell them it struck a chord in you and not to do it again.  If they are good people they will go above and beyond to apologize and move forward in a way that is agreeable to you both.

Moving forward, I hope to see all you ladies DOING NOTHING that brings you ANYTHING but happiness!