Appalachian Barbie

(November 12, 2019)

If you’re like me, you’ve probably been led to believe that money would solve most of your issues.  And also if you’re like me, you’ve heard an annoying amount of times that money doesn’t equal happiness.  Let’s go ahead and get this cleared up right now-money will not make you happy, but it can take care of a lot of problems.  It can also create them.  And anyone who says it doesn’t make life easier is a liar.  With that being said, it is becoming increasingly more clear to me as time goes on, that wealth is not as significant a virtue as I once thought.  In fact, there are other far more important qualities a person can seek that are totally free.  In the grand scheme of things, being WELL connected, WELL spoken, WELL educated and WELL traveled can take you further than financial wealth ever could.  I like to call this enriched way of living “WELLth.”

Instead of putting such a heavy emphasis on chasing money, I’ve found there’s a far bigger return on investment in focusing on making yourself a more well-rounded individual.  The more you are out seeing the world, learning new things and meeting new people, you are naturally increasing your chances for financial gain.  The odds of meeting someone of great influence are increased, thus leading to your ultimate goal. 

In a nutshell, if you want to achieve a certain quality of life, you must become a quality person.  Begin the journey by educating yourself as much as possible.  A narrow-minded individual will only be able to maneuver one narrow path in life, while someone who broadens their horizons does exactly that for the direction their life can take.  Read books, take classes, visit museums, learn a new skill or hobby- all these things are going to introduce you to more and more like-minded people.  And it’s true what they say: the more you know, the more you grow.  The most successful people in the world share a few things in common and being well-educated is one of them.  Basically, stop turning your brain into mush by getting all your information from social media.  Stay up-to-date on current events from unbiased news sources and do something that stimulates your brain every day.  These things will make you a great conversationalist and that is the kind of person people want to be around.  You don’t have to be a genius or an expert on a topic; I find it far more beneficial to know a little about a lot of things than a lot about a few. 

Do your best to speak with proper grammar.  This sounds pretentious but hear me out.  Being from the south, we ALL have an accent that can’t be denied.  Accents are attractive and cute and add character; lazy grammar is not.  You don’t have to hide where you’re from or start speaking with a British accent, just try to reel it in a bit and correct some bad habits. Save the slang or colloquialisms for personal conversations with people you’re comfortable speaking to.  When meeting new people, don’t you want to make the best impression possible?  Introducing yourself while using double negatives or sending an email that is full of grammatical errors can falsely imply you’re not intelligent.  Learn the difference between “your and you’re” and “to/too/two.”  And try to learn a new word every day to work into casual conversation.  One of my favorite apps on my phone is Word of the Day.  Every morning I open it and there’s a new word and definition to work into daily conversation, expanding my vocabulary and giving the impression that I am far better educated than my public school background would suggest.  I think it’s far more impressive to people when they find out I’ve worked hard to educate myself rather than having been raised in an environment of privilege from birth. 

While it may seem hard to be a well-travelled individual when you’re lacking funds, there are ways around this.  First, re-check your priorities.  We are all guilty of saying we don’t have money for a trip abroad which can run around $2000, but we’re carrying the newest iPhone in our purse or playing call of duty on the latest gaming system.  If you want to take that trip set aside a fund, and when making purchases, ask yourself if it’s beneficial short-term or long-term or is there a way to cut corners and get by cheaper.  You can also become well-travelled without having even left the house.  We are each so blessed (or cursed) to have the entire world at our fingertips.  We have the gift of knowledge literally in the palm of our hands, and yet we use it for such mundane activities as arguing over politics and sharing sad animal and child abuse news stories.  If you want to explore Thailand, simply type that word into your search engine and take off.  You can take a virtual tour of the beaches in real time, you can learn the history and culture and even converse with people who live there.  And you can do this ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD.  Locally, try to explore different cultures within your own town.  I grew up never eating ethnic food and now my favorite pastime is trying exotic cuisine from around the world.  Break away from the chains and visit the authentic, family-owned restaurants.  Talk to the people who run it and listen to their stories and traditions. 

There is a saying that has resonated with me for awhile and I want to share it with you all.  “If you’re doing the best out of your group of friends, you need to find new friends.”  This comes across as snotty or cruel, but it’s not implying you should throw away those who are not rich and successful.  However, it is very true that you are the sum of the people around you.  Evaluate the things you want out of life and take a quick inventory of who you’re spending all your time with.  Are these people on the same journey?  Do they want to elevate their lives?  Do they motivate you to do better or do they drag you down and drain you?  I would rather be surrounded by people who inspire me to work harder and do better to match their successes than those who are complacent, small-minded or worse in a downward spiral.  Begin to widen your social circles and become a “yes” person and you will naturally increase your odds of achieving a fulfilling and WELLthy life.

(November 4, 2019)

Today as I was doing my morning scroll through cute puppy videos, recipes and drunken frat boy fails, AKA my type of “news” early in the day, I landed on a breaking article regarding a racially charged act of vandalism at my alma mater ETSU.  The premise of the story, which I am sure many of you have been made aware of, is that some poorly evolved individual with too much time on their hands decided to spend their evening traipsing around campus hanging fliers.  In an effort to ease all of our Caucasian concerns, the signs that hung over the plaques dedicated to 5 people who desegregated ETSU in the 50s reassured us that “it’s ok to be white.”  God, that’s a relief. 

I try very hard not to discuss polarizing content in this column, specifically regarding politics or religion or any other hot button topics.  But I will not remain silent when it comes to basic human rights and my belief that people should not be treated any differently based on the color of their skin or their sexuality.  If you feel otherwise, probably stop reading now. 

I have the good fortune of living on this earth as a heterosexual, Caucasian, marginally attractive, female.  As hard as my journey has been considering the economic status I was raised in, I still have quite the advantage over people of other races and sexual orientation.  While I have incurred the typical biases against women and the working class, those are pretty mild compared to the experiences of my peers of other races and sexual orientation.  I’ve never been called a slur by a stranger.  I’ve never had someone assume I’m going to steal from them based on the color of my skin.  I’ve never had people stare at me or attack me because of who I was kissing in public.  There’s never been a time I had to worry about law enforcement being anything but helpful to me.  And in 33 years on this earth, I’ve never been turned away from a job, event or social function without valid reason like being unqualified. 

We tend to assume the world is exactly the way we view it through our own eyes, when in fact, reality is an illusion and different for every single person.  You cannot look at another human and say their views aren’t valid when you have not lived the life that has shaped those opinions.  Just because being attracted to the opposite sex is what feels natural to you doesn’t mean to someone else it feels like the most unnatural thing in the world.  I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again louder for anyone who still considers that sexual orientation is a choice- NO ONE would choose to be gay.  My best friend in the entire world, my brother of choosing since I was 5 years old, is homosexual.  I’ve known since the day we met in kindergarten that he was and so did he.  I’ve also watched the lifetime struggle he’s endured because of this fact.  The pain of hiding who he is to family and subsequently the pain in telling them.  The nasty remarks from strangers in the street.  The worry of being in the wrong bar at the wrong time and being attacked.  No one would ever choose to make their life and the lives of their loved ones more difficult.  Day in and day out I see people posting memes about police brutality or immigrants when you’re speaking as a white person in the south.  While there are bad apples in every bunch, it is unfair to assume ALL people of a certain minority are unsavory based off the actions of a few.  Just the same as it would be for others to assume all white men are serial killers or mass shooters because, well, most of the people in those groups are straight white men. 

I’m writing about this topic today not because I want to spark an outrage or debate.  I want to express how disgusted I am with the current social climate.  We live in a world that has never been more progressive and yet there are more racial tensions than have been seen in over half a century.  At a university that taught me so much about diversity and culture, there are still people who find it worthwhile and fulfilling to desecrate a monument to people who actually DID work hard to bring our community together.  A few years ago there was the incident with the idiot in the gorilla costume waving bananas at black men and women as well.  That kid got off basically scot free, and I wonder what the outcome would’ve been had a black man intimidated and antagonized a group of white men and women. 

There is no one on this planet who is any better or any worse than anyone else because of their race, period.  You are no better than someone else because you were afforded better opportunities and life experiences than them.  I am no bleeding heart.  I believe every person has the ability to achieve anything they want and poor circumstances shouldn’t be an excuse for poor behavior.  But I am also empathetic to those who were born “different” in some way and I recognize that without the proper support, their struggle is going to be much more difficult than mine.  I ran into a girl I went to elementary school with a few years ago while I was working with a local charity.  I was there as a mentor and she was one of the people enrolled in the program.  She approached me, as I didn’t even recognize her.  The years had not been kind, it appeared she had succumbed to drug use and had lost custody of her child.  As we were talking, me in my business dress and fresh manicure and her with her torn clothes and bags under her eyes, it occurred to me just how easily these roles could have been reversed.  This girl was the same as me in 3^rd grade.  We were both in low-income households growing up in the backwoods of the county.  But I had supportive, loving parents who enforced structure and guidance and pushed me to achieve better for myself.  Had I had the misfortune of simply being born to another family who didn’t encourage this behavior, I could have also continued the same cycle of poverty and addiction as this girl and so many others in our community.  Believe me when I say you are never as far away from hard times as you think. 

I hope this piece doesn’t incite negativity.  Instead I hope it provokes thinking and understanding and compassion.  Let’s all hate each other for real reasons, like being a cat person instead of a dog person, or for being someone who pees on the toilet seat and doesn’t wipe it.  There are much more heinous offenses than the ones we’re currently fighting over. 

(October 30, 2019)

I’ve been trying to watch my diet a lot more closely as of late, and as I tend to do when I’m dieting, I’ve been eating a ton of chicken.  Bland, basic, boring ol’ chicken.  With that being in the forefront of my mind, because I’m basically starving to death for real food, when I was speaking with a friend about some relationship issues she was having, the first analogy I could come up with to prove my point included chicken.  And somehow, by the grace of god, it made sense and was pretty impactful. Allow me to share and explain here.

The issue my friend is encountering is all too familiar to me.  She is leaving her comfort zone, moving away from everyone she knows, and right now when she feels like she needs it most and assumed all the people who have been in her life would be there for her even more, they’re not stepping up to the plate.  When we are going through major changes like this, I think people become hyper aware of things they might ordinarily let slide.  That friend who never calls you first, the co-worker who can never pick up a shift when you’re sick, or maybe even the family member who always needs a shoulder to lean on but is suspiciously too busy when it comes to your hard times- these might all ordinarily just be a minor annoyance.  But when you’re preparing for a major life change, you begin to take inventory of all those people who “should” be there for you and aren’t.  These scenarios are what teaches us that we HAVE to be enough for ourselves because we are the only person we can truly depend on, and it’s also where the chicken analogy comes into play.    

I told my friend, “Think of it like this.  YOU are a big, juicy portion of boneless, skinless chicken breast.  Without anything at all, you have all a person needs.  High protein, low fat and calories, essential vitamins and minerals.  Now, the people around you are seasoning.  They’re the salt and pepper, the spices, the oils and herbs, the white wine and cream sauces.  They’re all going to enhance your flavor.  Some will be healthy for you, like dry herbs and spices.  Some will be good for you in moderation, like olive oil or butter.  And some will be absolutely horrible for you like heavy cream and cheese, and those are the worst because they are disguised as the most enticing temptations.  At the end of the day, no matter how good all these add-ons enhance you (the chicken) they add nothing of real value.  YOU are still the one who holds all the important nutrients and with or without that, you are still the most valuable ingredient.”

I think so often people, myself definitely included, tend to place all our value and worth into those around us, never dedicating the time and effort we should into the most important channel-ourselves.  Whether it’s a partner or a friend or family member, we invest all our energy and love into someone else, and when they aren’t there, we’re left feeling empty and alone.  Eventually there is going to come a point in all our lives where we have no one to depend on but ourselves.  No one who can rescue us from whatever it is we’re going through.  When the weight of the world is on your shoulders, you have to be strong enough to carry it to the finish line, and that is the root of this whole poetic poultry passage of hope. 

Take the time to build yourself as a person. Figure out the things that make you happy without the influence of a partner.  Learn how to stand up for yourself and say no to things that do not serve you.  Seek out knowledge every day in an effort to better educate yourself, try new things and eliminate old things.  And dedicate as much time as possible to building your self-esteem and learning to love yourself.  When hard times hit, the circle of people you expected to be standing around holding you up will be much smaller than anticipated.  You must be prepared by being enough for yourself with nothing else. 

And just like anyone who is watching their girlish figure would know, keep a close eye on those seasonings.  Enjoy the good ones with reckless abandon, but learn how to spot the hidden fat and calories in the yummy ones.  Don’t let the ooey gooey alfredo sauce completely negate all the good healthy nutrients you’re bringing to the table simply because it looks and smells yummy at the time.  It doesn’t matter how healthy the chicken might be, when you’re surrounding it with unhealthy stuff, the chicken itself becomes an unhealthy dish.  Remember that when you’re choosing who to let in and out of your life.

I hope this made some sense to you all, and this isn’t the frantic ramblings of a sugar deprived brain.  Have an amazing week and remember to ALWAYS put yourself first. 

Cluck cluck,

Kathie

(October 23, 2019)

The Tri-Cities is an area teeming with history, dating all the way back to when there was no one inhabiting these lands but Native Americans.  There is historical significance with the location of Fort Watauga, the hustle and bustle of the railroads and even being home to more than one US president and a rumored well-known gangster.  Due to our storied past, I personally believe this area is holding on to a lot of that past energy, and sometimes we’re able to catch a glimpse of it. 

Being someone who is particularly sensitive to energy, I personally believe in “ghosts.”  Believe what you want, but based on my experiences I can say without hesitation that I have been in some places that held a certain force.  And I know many of you agree with me.  A quick google search of “haunted places in Tri-Cities, TN” will afford you page after page of websites devoted to paranormal happenings in and around the East Tennessee region.  I will not bore you by plagiarizing these articles, but I will highly encourage you to investigate them yourself, as they at the very least will get you out exploring where you live.  Instead I am going to tell you about some firsthand spooky places I’ve been with the hopes you will check them out as well.  If you dare…

One of the creepiest places I’ve encountered is Burleson Hall at ETSU. The haunted history attached to this building goes back to the 1960s, when English professor Christine Burleson committed suicide following the contraction of a crippling disease that left her bound to a wheelchair.  Her father, David Sinclair Burleson, is the building’s namesake. This macabre history being completely unknown to me, I thought nothing of being assigned to work the computer lab there my freshman year of college.  I would be in there until pretty late in the night, 9-10p sometimes and well after dark.  There were few students who used that space, so I was often “alone” though it never quite felt that way.  No matter where I went in that building it always felt like someone was staring at me.  I would hear noises like someone walking around and upon investigation see no one.  Is there a possibility there could have been a particularly stealth janitor working those late hours?  Sure.  But after far too many trips to the dated, dark bathrooms and hearing footsteps following behind me, you’ll never be able to convince me of that.  It took one semester, and in January I quickly switched to the front office at the CPA. 

Another eerie location I’ve experienced unsettling energy is the Historic Eureka Inn in downtown Jonesborough.  I would like to follow that by saying this place is also one of my absolute favorite places in the Tri-Cities, so no amount of ghosts or goblins could keep me from enjoying it as much as possible.  Instead, I consider the spirits there as welcomed guests who compliment the ambiance.  The Inn was one of the first lots purchased after Tennessee became a state in 1796.  It was one of the only wooden structures to remain standing following devastating fires in the late 1890s and still has its original hardwood floors.  The Inn was used as a boarding house as well as a sequester house for jurors which lends to its rich history and ample paranormal activity.  The property has also been rumored to have been a brothel and a moonshine still.  Paranormal investigators have even captured voices pleading for their lives! Some girlfriends and I spent the night there a few Halloweens back and as we sipped our wine and enjoyed pizza by the fireplace in the parlour, the presence of something otherworldly was undeniable.  These spaces that are centuries old, that have seen and heard so much, housed so many characters, most good, some bad, you’re bound to absorb some of that into the walls and bannisters and mantels.   

Finally, a rather unexpected spot for ghostly activity is Watauga Lake Winery in Butler.  The winemakers purchased the old Big Dry Run School, a remote building back in the twisting, winding woods around Watauga Lake as their production facility and it now also hosts their tasting room and a cafeteria where guests can enjoy woodfired pizzas.  The school was only open from the 1940s to the 1980s and housed children together from kindergarten through 12^th grade.  Paranormal investigators visiting from Charlotte placed cameras in the basement, at the bottom of the old coal chute and captured the full and very visible apparition of a man.  When the owners watched the tape with an elderly woman who still lived in the area and used to work at the school, she exclaimed the man’s name out loud.  She instantly identified him as a local man who had worked extensively on the construction of the school and who was tragically killed in a bridge collapse.  Those same investigators caught the voices of children playing in the gymnasium among other spooky happenings.  I’ve visited this winery on multiple occasions.  With its remote setting and the creepy coal chute that leads from the main floor to the basement, it’s easy to see why it would remain home to inhabitants from the past.  I’ll be the first to say you couldn’t pay me enough money to stay there overnight. But I might do it if I were promised their delicious vino and pizza!

Do your own research and get out and explore some of the creepy haunts and hollers of the Tri-Cities for yourself.  You never know who or what might just make an appearance.  Have a happy and safe Halloween!

(October 17, 2019)

In honor of the temperatures finally falling and the upcoming Halloween holiday, I found it only appropriate to discuss a spooky new trend for singles-being ghosted!  So sit back, swipe right on this column and lets dive into some mind-boggling behavior. 

We live in a culture of instant gratification like I’ve never seen.  You want a juicy ripe piece of watermelon out of season? No worries, it’s fully stocked at your local grocery chain.  Want soup at midnight?  Uber Eats can help.  How about those new curtains you’ve been eyeballing?  With 2 clicks, Amazon Prime will have it to your house tomorrow morning.  While this is all well and good, it seems we’ve forgotten the value of putting time into something.  No one remembers how much better a movie was after you had to drive to Blockbuster, pray it was in stock, drive home, watch an FBI warning and then 10 minutes of previews.  We don’t want to put in hours at the gym, prepping healthy food and watching our diets just to have the body we want.  Instead we take HCG, fat burners and inject our bodies with silicone to achieve the results in a fraction of the time. 

These luxuries have spoiled us into thinking everything is supposed to happen instantly and it’s seeping its way into our relationships and the way we date.  How many times has this scenario happened to you?  You meet someone online, say Instagram or a dating app.  You spend weeks, sometimes over a month chatting with this person through messages.  For whatever reason or the other you both put off meeting, typically it’s fear of rejection.  You discuss every topic under the sun, they might even send you pictures of their privates, because apparently people are real proud of them these days and can’t wait to whip ‘em out. You finally meet in person, have a seemingly decent time, then poof, you never speak to them again.  

We are dating in the laziest possible way.  Most people literally meet laying flat on their backs, by swiping through a slideshow of faces alone on their couch.  There is no longer an effort to “hunt,” thus decreasing the feeling of reward when you finally get the person in real life.  Most of the time, there have been weeks and weeks of chatting through text, that when you finally get to meet in person, you haven’t got much to talk about, which can lead to a feeling of being unimpressed.  Maybe all this time spent through non-verbal communication has allowed you to build this person up in your head to be something they’re not and so you’re immediately disappointed when you meet them.  Due to the lack of actual communication in this day and age, we are missing a real sense of intimacy and natural chemistry when seeking out partners. Nowadays, people feel more comfortable having full-on sex with someone than holding hands or looking in their eyes. 

Because of the ease and availability of “the next best thing,” people are seemingly disposable.  If you meet me in person and I don’t live up to whatever you had in your head, or I don’t sleep with you immediately or whatever else you decide in the 1 hour of time you spend with me in person, it’s on to the next one in line in the DMs and that is a screwy way of living.  Humans are not disposable, and no matter how jaded or hardened your heart may be, rejection never feels good.  Instead of taking the time to give someone a chance, it’s easier to just never speak to them again.  We are now so lazy in dating that we just skip breaking up because it’s “too hard.”  No explanation, no reasons-you just go from having people in your life every day to never hearing from them again. 

The truth of the matter is that 99% of the dates you go on, you will be incompatible with that person.  And maybe some people don’t want to have to face hearing someone else admit that incompatibility.  For me personally, I will always respect someone far more who decided after giving it a fair shot to just give a brief farewell as opposed to disappearing back into obscurity after one date.  And I would like to emphasize, I am not referring to a time period of meeting someone online, going on a date in person within a week and then nothing.  I’m specifically addressing these people who invest weeks and months into BS only to disappear when they finally get the real deal.  It’s so bizarre. 

I work a job where rejection is a daily occurrence, so this type of behavior doesn’t phase me, so much as it just leaves me baffled.  But I can see how it can be hurtful to others who take it more personally.  At the end of the day, we all need to remember the times we weren’t attracted to someone who was interested in us and how we handled that situation.  And remain focused on the fact that dating is now so superficial, we are judging people at face value in the most literal sense of the term.  Don’t let it affect your sense of self worth if someone decided you weren’t their cup of tea after an hour together or after chatting online.  There are plenty more people out there and at this point, dating is simply a numbers game.  Guard your heart but keep an open mind and eventually the losers weed themselves out.  Happy haunting, boos and ghouls!

(October 10, 2019)

I have been lying to you all.

Lying is something I don’t like, that makes me uncomfortable and I don’t condone.  The lie I’ve been spreading to the audience of the Loafer hasn’t been an intentional one and it’s rooted in truth, like most good lies.  But as I’m writing this, it is World Mental Health Day and I feel an obligation to come clean because I am sick of being part of the problem. 

As much as good and positive things have been happening for me, I am overall still not a happy person.  I write my column very much in the same way a lot of people upload content to their social media- we post the highlights, the good points and the way we want people to see us.  That has formed a very toxic world to live in, because it creates an illusion to others that you have a life they want and then they feel down on themselves when they can’t achieve it.  I want to express right now that while I am a very blessed individual compared to some, I am still very much struggling in this world and at the moment I feel like I am drowning and if you feel that way, you are not alone. 

As I am getting older and more in tune with my body, I’ve begun to take note of patterns and really acknowledging how I’m responding day to day.  I try to pay attention to my thoughts and attitudes, as well as my bodily functions, down to my heart rates, breathing and as gross as this is, what is going on in the bathroom.  All of this is in an effort to find happiness and extinguish the anger and sadness that has existed for a long time.  Looking back, I can say I started to develop anxiety and anger issues around the time I hit puberty.  I can remember being so enraged and upset about something small in the backseat of my parents car that I was digging my fingernails into my legs so hard it left marks for a week.  What I’ve realized in the work I’ve been doing on myself recently as an adult, is that what I’ve always written off as “a low tolerance to BS,” aka the clenching of my teeth, the urge to act out physically, the accelerated heart rate, the tightening of my chest at the slightest inconvenience, is not normal.  It is untreated anxiety. 

As an adult and dealing with grown-up situations, depression has become more of the problem.  I started noticing it shows up in cycles, which I thought might be something hormonal that could maybe even be as simple of a fix as a change in my birth control.  Basically for 2 weeks out of the month, I would be on cloud 9.  I am unstoppable, I am beautiful and confident and love myself and those around me.  My job is great, my friends and family are amazing and life can’t be better.  Then, almost as if someone flipped a switch, the next 2 weeks of the month are dismal, gray and hopeless.  I suck at my job, I hate my body, nothing I do is right and everyone hates me.  I was honestly anticipating the cycle to start back up, but unfortunately right now I’ve been going on around 3.5 weeks of “the scaries” and the fact that I am actively trying to kick my brain out of it and it’s not working is terrifying me.  It’s funny how depression can manifest itself in people.  My trigger when I know a bad low is hitting, is that I don’t want to shower.  For whatever reason, the task of cleaning and caring for myself is overwhelming.  It takes every bit of willpower I can muster to get me to perform this menial task that I’ve done basically every day of my life.  Other little things start to feel that way too, like taking out garbage or filling the dogs’ water dish.  Eventually everything in life starts to feel overwhelming and all I can do is lay in bed.  This toxic negative feeling in my brain that I can’t shake has now been nicknamed “the poison.”  I can feel it coursing around inside me and I’ve gotta figure a way to get the poison out. 

Unfortunately for me, I have VERY strong opinions on prescription medication and western medical practices in general, so seeing a doctor and treating “the poison” which is probably just a chemical imbalance in my brain, is totally out of the question for me.  This is my own personal choice and based on my own experiences and I do not recommend anyone else follow my advice because as I’ve said many times before in this column, I am not a doctor.  Not even close.  It is just a very personal decision I have made to treat my depression as holistically and organically as possible, but eventually one day that might even have to change for me if I cannot manage it.  In my mind, my treatment feels like trying to wade through mud.  I try to slow down and take on these small everyday tasks step by step no matter how hard they may seem, knowing that while it may seem stupid to consider taking out the trash as a positive step, it is and will push me toward another one.  I force myself to workout and hope the endorphins do their magic and sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t.  I take inventory of what I’m putting in my body and try to clean up my diet.  I’ve also come to the realization that alcohol is not my friend in all this and the older I get, the worse it affects my mental health.  So we are currently on a little break from that.  I try to actively remind myself of all the blessings in my life when I’m only able to focus on the negative and I try my best not to isolate and talk with only people I know who have my best interest at heart. 

This is why it’s so important to be compassionate.  Stop “keeping up” with people by scrolling through their Instagram.  You have no idea what is going on in someone’s life.  They might be posting selfies of their outfits and trips to the gym and at the same time be running the thought of killing themselves on repeat in their brain.  Actually reach out and ask people how they’re doing.  Tell them you are thinking of them and let them know they’re important.  That means a lot to people who are dealing with rejection, isolation and sadness.  As humans, myself included, no one wants to deal with other people’s problems.  And I am not suggesting to become someone’s crutch or whipping post, simply ask yourself if you’re showing your loved ones that they mean something to you. 

At the end of the day, we’re all struggling with something.  NO ONE has the perfect life, regardless of what social media has led us to believe.  The key to tackling mental health issues and getting rid of “the poison” is HOPE. Hope is so important.  When you have that, you know that nothing ever lasts, not the good, not the bad.  Life WILL make a turn as long as you don’t give up.  If you just keep on trying and doing and working on yourself and striving for positivity, eventually IT WILL GET BETTER.  I’m so grateful to everyone who reads this column for giving me an outlet to share my thoughts and I pray if you are feeling these negative emotions, that you get the help and keep the hope you need to find your happiness.  It’s always a journey.

(October 3, 2019)

I am now 3 months into my transition to big city living and things are finally starting to settle down and make sense. Anytime a person relocates, I think it takes around this long to let the shock wear off, begin to build routines and generally learn the area.  I’m finally able to drive a little without using GPS and most importantly, I am really starting to develop relationships here that are deeper than a one-off dinner date.  Thankfully in my life of work, which is distributing wine and spirits for those who don’t know, it is expected of me to put in face time at my accounts… which just so happen to be amazing restaurants and cocktail bars.  Alcohol always serves as a great social lubricant, but beyond that, I’ve always had an easy time meeting new people. It’s why I have always done well in sales and customer service positions.  I have a very empathic nature that has aided me in judging the mood of people I am speaking to and how they like to converse.  It has also served me well in that I can smell BS from a mile away and am able to quickly excuse myself from situations with less than savory company.  Not everyone is this sensitive to social climates however, and it occurred to me the other day just how much harder this transition would have been on me had I been more introverted. 

For anyone who feels they have trouble connecting with others, to begin with, my best advice would be to become comfortable and confident in YOURSELF first.  The more you love and accept yourself, the less you care what anyone else thinks about you which relieves a ton of pressure.  When you can walk into a room full of people and be so self-assured you don’t even care if people talk to you or not, that is when the magic happens.  People pick up on that energy whether they know it or not.  They are attracted to those people.  And it’s not a boastful or snobby thing.  There is a thin line between confidence and arrogance, but it is definitely there.  Any time you prepare to walk into an uncomfortable situation, take a deep breath, raise your chin, slap a small smile on your face and remind yourself of all the reasons you’re great.  It sounds hokey but I swear to you it works. 

Next, I always tell people not to be afraid to go do things alone!  I am so shocked by how many women I know that won’t do anything social by themselves.  If you want to start slow, go to an activity that doesn’t require much human interaction.  Going to a movie theatre or a comedy club is perfect for this, because you literally can’t speak to anyone else the majority of the time you’re there.  Standing in line for things like this is a great way to meet people.  Everyone is bored and restless and wants something to take their mind off the wait.  Don’t be creepy, but eavesdrop on conversations around you and poke in your two cents in a way that is witty.  Make it brief, just a sentence or two and gauge how they react.  You can tell by body language and response whether they are interested in continuing the conversation.  If they’re abrasive, just turn back around, no harm no foul.  If they smile and respond, then you have an opening.  You can even make small talk with the person in the ticket booth or the concession stand for even more practice, just to make you feel more comfortable in engaging with strangers. 

I also encourage people who are alone and trying to make new acquaintances to ALWAYS sit at the bar if they’re going to a restaurant.  This serves a number of different purposes.  For starters, it’s just courteous to the staff at the bar or restaurant.  Why would you take up a table that can seat 2-4 people when you’re alone, thus taking money out of the server’s pocket when you could eat the same food and drink the same drinks while only occupying a single seat?  Don’t be rude.  Next, you will have a lot more interaction with the person who is waiting on you, because for better or for worse, that bartender is trapped behind the bar with nowhere to go while a standard server is free to roam all over the building and hide.  You also have a solid rotation of people, thus increasing the number of opportunities you have to engage.  Think about it- there are constantly going to be people approaching the bar, whether it’s to sit down and eat, grab a quick drink and run, or even those who are killing time while waiting on a table to come available.  You don’t have to engage with every stranger who happens to end up beside you, but keep a pleasant and open aura and I can guarantee someone will make idle chitchat. 

Finally, keep yourself busy enough to have something to do, but don’t be so buried in your phone or laptop that you never look up.  Bring your computer and do your work for the day, but when your food comes, close it so you can enjoy your meal.  While on that same note, if you have things to do on your computer that can be done outside of the home, consider packing your stuff up and working from a coffee shop or nice patio instead of holing up inside.  If you find somewhere you enjoy and keep going back, eventually you’ll become a regular and other people that frequent that place will recognize you in return and feel more comfortable speaking.  And finally, make sure to check your face!  As someone whose face gives away every internal emotion, I sometimes get told I have a “resting bitch face” (or RBF for short) and this can be quite off-putting.  Try to put aside any internal conflicts and look happy.  Please don’t sit staring into space with a mega-watt smile on your face or you’re going to look like a psychotic, but just try to be aware if you’re furrowing your brows or the corners of your mouth are drooping.  Agitation and frustration are easily reflected on the face and no one wants to start a conversation with someone who has negative energy. 

I hope some of this advice works if you’ve ever felt out of sorts or uncomfortable in social situations.  Remember, you have something to share with others, no matter if you’re sitting beside a 6-month-old baby or Albert freakin’ Einstein.  Be confident in yourself and others will be drawn to you, it really is that simple. 

(September 26, 2019)

It often seems that the most profound, life-changing concepts to occur to me are the most simple to comprehend.  The kind of thing that should have been right in front of my face the whole time, I just failed to see it.  Things like living in the present and that your thoughts create your emotions instead of vice versa.  Along those same lines, it hit me one morning as I stirred around in bed wondering what kind of day I was going to have, that I was going to have whatever kind of day I decided to have.  Duh, lightbulb.  This whole time I have been operating under the assumption that day-to-day life is something that just happens to me and I have to roll with the punches.  It’s not.  Every morning when I open my eyes, I now know I must set my intention to have a positive day and stick to it.  When you live with intention instead of just reacting to things that are thrown at you, you’re one step ahead and that is a place I always want to be. 

It’s easy to write off negative events and emotions as something out of our control.  It relieves us of any responsibility and ultimately no one wants to have to own up to the idea that we are the masters of chaos within our own lives.  But just like in addiction, the first step of recovery is to identify you have a problem, and 9 times out of 10 we are the source of our own bad luck.  Once you recognize where the issues are stemming from, it becomes so easy to correct. 

For me, I started that very morning and every morning after.  I no longer wake up and wonder what the day will bring.  Instead I wake up and think about all the ways I am blessed and what tactics I can employ to make this day the best it can be.   As cliché as it may be, there is a reason behind the saying “live each day as if it’s your last.”  One day it will be the last one.  Did you want to spend it hurting, angry, arguing with people around you about petty things, hating your job or miserable within your relationships?  Of course not.  I want to spend my last day on this earth with people I care about doing something I love with a smile on my face.  So as a preventative measure, that is how I intend to spend every day. 

I am not naïve to the fact that bad days happen to the best of us.  Sometimes it seems like no matter what I do or how positive I try to be, I will have one of those days where I’m taking hit after hit after hit and there is truly nothing in my control that can be done.  When these things happen, all you can do is keep that mindset of counting the blessings you DO have and reminding yourself that nothing lasts forever and this too shall pass. 

One thing that has helped me make this switch is creating lists at night.  When I lay down to sleep, I open the notes on my phone and make a to-do list for the following day.  This goes back to being one step ahead.  I am now prepared with a solution to any existing obstacles, and there truly is something to getting things out of your head and in print that makes them more tangible and likely to be achieved.  Now when any unexpected problems arise, they won’t be compounded with other troubles, which makes them a little less stressful.  There is also a silly sense of fulfillment from being able to check something off a list that makes me feel more positive and productive, even if it’s something stupid like paying bills or getting groceries.  This feeling always guides me to make more decisions that make me feel that way. 

Every day we face challenges within and outside ourselves.  Sometimes the battles we’re facing are interactions with negative people.  We’re forced to work with unhappy individuals, and everyone knows that hurting people hurt people.  Try to employ empathy in these situations and remind yourself this is an internal conflict that has nothing to do with us.  And always limit the amount of time you have to spend around negativity.  I firmly believe there are people and situations who will drain you because they need your energy in place of their own which is lacking.  Do everything in your power to avoid this and surround yourself with people who multiply your happiness instead of subtracting it.  And in the event it is a day where the battle you’re facing is within yourself, get to the root of the issue as quickly as possible, address it and come to the simplest solution.  We often complicate things that have a much easier answer.  “I am distressed because I don’t like my job.”  Ok, so find another one and quit.  For every minute you spent wallowing in your misery you could have been applying for a new one on Indeed.  Simple. 

There is so much joy and relief in taking control and accountability of one’s own life.  Beginning the day with intention by saying “I WILL have a great day and this is how,” can change the course of your life.  You begin to accept that maybe the whole day wasn’t a crap shoot, that instead there was one negative incident which has already passed and it’s you who won’t let it go, thus ruining the entire 24-hour gift you’ve been given.  It’s not cool or edgy or unique to be miserable and negative all the time.  I’ve wasted so much of my time being pessimistic and expecting the worst and you know what it’s gotten me?  The worst.  So I’m trying my hand at this optimism and positivity thing and I hope you’ll join me.  Really, what do we have to lose?

(September 17, 2019)

Every week, like most other Americans, I drag myself to the grocery store for the needed essentials.  So this week as a way to save time, I didn’t give it a second thought to just hit Kroger immediately following my workout and retiring to home for the evening.  As I walked into the store toward the cart bay, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the windows and was faced with just how bad I looked.  Without a moment’s hesitation, I had made the decision to wad my hair into a greasy knot and venture into public in sweat-soaked gym attire.  The thing that was astonishing to me is how this “look” didn’t even warrant so much as second glance from other shoppers.  It makes me wonder, when did we as a society decide it was ok to let ourselves go?

I have grown up with female influences who would have never been caught dead looking like this in public.  My grandmother, like most other women of that generation, didn’t leave the house without her hair teased and sprayed into a helmet of perfection, and without at least applying a basic layer of lipstick and rouge.  One of my favorite things to do as a child was to sneak away into her bedroom and peruse the dozens of beautiful bottles of lipstick and perfumes that adorned the top of her vanity.  The woman was meticulous in her clothes as well, going so far as to iron every stitch of laundry down to her underwear.

But even in this day and age, my own mother refuses to be seen without “her face” on.  Even if she is sick with no plans to leave the house, she still gets up every morning to shower and spread on her cosmetics.  I can honestly say I can’t remember the last time I saw Mom without makeup.  For her, a trip to the store or a bike ride on the Tweetsie requires the same level of effort as a night out to dinner. 

While some of this is a bit much, I have to agree that as a society we have let ourselves get a little lazy.  One needs only a quick glance around your local Walmart to confirm this statement.  The sheer amount of people there in pajama pants, hoodies, ripped and dirty jeans with unbrushed hair and yoga pants that haven’t seen the light of day in an actual yoga studio, is astonishing.  And while it’s not fair to judge others based on appearance, in social settings like this all you have is your outward appearance to speak for you. 

So in a world where “athleisure” is a billion dollar industry and bushy brows are making a comeback, how does a person skirt this thin line of comfy casual and plain out lazy?  For starters, it’s time to put in the smallest amount of effort.  If you must make that dreaded grocery run following a workout, don’t follow my lead.  Take a quick rinse in the shower, or at the very least, bring some baby wipes and a change of clothes. Ladies, I know natural beauty is a wonderful thing, but if you’re going to insist on going makeup-free, at least groom yourself.  Apply a moisturizer with a little bit of shimmer and for the love of god, tweeze the stray hairs on your face.  Never underestimate how important your eyebrows are-they’re considered the drapes of the face for a reason.  You wouldn’t live in a house without curtains would you?  Men, you’re not getting off so easy either.  Keep your haircuts regular and your beard in check.  I don’t care how fashionable you think a long lumberjack style beard is, those things can get gross, so always keep them washed, trimmed and oiled.  And don’t neglect your nose and ear hair!

We obviously live in a different time from the era of our grandparents and lifestyles have changed.  Most of us are stressed and far too busy to put such trivial things as this high on our priority list.  But there is something to be said about making YOURSELF a priority.  Being well-dressed or put together not only presents you to the world in a better light, but it also shows you value yourself, which in turn reflects your on self-worth.  Invest the little bit of time and energy it takes to give a little extra and it might come back to you ten-fold.  It’s just as easy to throw on a cute sundress to run errands as it is sweats, and you never know who you might meet.  As a single lady, I need to remember there is potential everywhere, and I would never want to meet my soulmate wearing a Kenny Powers t-shirt and stained joggers. 

Like my momma has always told me, a little paint on the ol’ barn never hurt anybody.  Let’s all step it up! 

(September 12, 2019)

Two weeks ago I was getting cleaned up to go on a first date.  I was going about my normal routine- shampoo, condition, soap, shave, scrub, rinse- when I stopped dead in my tracks because something seemed very strange.  As I brought myself into the present and took in my surroundings, it occurred to me that I had turned on music, which is something I never bother doing.  Even more bizarre, I was loudly singing along and dancing, or at least in some culture on another planet it could be considered that.  The water felt extra soothing and for once I wasn’t just going through the motions-shampoo, condition, soap, shave, scrub, rinse-  I was actually FEELING every step of the process.  The beads of water rolling down my body, the heat from the steam billowing up from the tub basin, the intoxicating scent of perfumes and botanicals from my assorted beauty products.  The thing that felt so different, was that for the first time in a very long time, I was blissfully happy.  And I am confident in saying I have never before felt this particular kind of happiness. 

I’ve made no secret of the fact that the last few years have been full of up’s and down’s.  I hate to even use the term “depression” because I feel like it is thrown around so easily anymore.  But at the bare bones of everything, for a long time I have felt empty, unfulfilled and incomplete- far too long that it can only be considered a “bad day.”  Within my life, I lit several fires and subconsciously burned everything to the ground, took this job and uprooted my life 5 hours away.  The first month was probably the lowest I’ve ever been.  Anytime you start something new or make a move, that is scary enough.  But the fact I was still dragging a little bit of the dead weight from the last year around with me and other stressors in my personal life, plus being so far away from all my closest friends and family, made it almost unbearable.  But somewhere along the way, things started getting better without me even realizing it.  I finally completely released the people who were toxic to me.  I became more knowledgeable and confident within my job.  I started meeting people and building new relationships.  I’ve started working out hard and consistently again.  And now, I’ve even started dating; honestly truly dating for the first time ever, but more on that in a minute.  The point is, leading up to that breakthrough in the shower, I’ve been so busy loving my new life, I hadn’t even had a chance to stop and acknowledge it. 

It truly is a new life.  Everything feels new and fresh and everything from my past seems as though it happened to a different person.  A funny thing happens when you find yourself away from the influences of the people who’ve always helped define you- you actually figure out who you are.  I love my close friends and family more than anything.  I wouldn’t even be here right now if it weren’t for their support.  But without being able to use them as a crutch or being able to lean into that comfort zone has forced me to get to know myself as the woman I am now.  The woman who has endured a whole lotta shit, some of it self-induced and some of it just luck of the draw, but is standing stronger than before.  I’ve not had the temptation to fall back into destructive habits out of boredom and instead I’ve developed new healthy ones.  This situation has forced me to evaluate every aspect of myself and given me the opportunity to change the things I don’t like.  There is no one here with a pre-conceived notion of me, so I can build myself from scratch as the person I have always wanted to be.  And for the first time I really like myself. 

Which loops me back around to that dating thing.  It has taken a lot to get me out into that arena.  Having suffered immeasurable amounts of heartache, trauma and betrayal stemming from the last two relationships I participated in, it would be an understatement to say I am guarded.  But I want to meet new people, even if it’s just for friendship, so bearing that in mind and at the urging of Therapist, I forced myself out into the wild and accepted some dinner dates, which, with the exception of 1 have all went very well.  I also realized that I have never truly “dated” in the traditional sense so I really have no idea what the hell I’m doing out here.  Spending 33 years in Tri-Cities, we basically all know one another, and if I don’t know you, I know your friends and vice versa.  There really haven’t been times where someone has properly asked me to dinner or a movie with the motive of wanting to get to know me as a person.  It’s always been way more casual like meeting up at a bar, usually friends are involved, and no one is interested in anything more serious than hooking up.  This has been a wonderful change of pace and I’ve had the pleasure of spending time with some amazing, successful men who have treated me like a lady.  It also helps that having gone through what I’ve been through, I now hold myself to a higher standard, which is in turn attracting higher quality individuals into my life. 

Look, I’ve said it before but I want to say this again, especially with Sept 8-14 being National Suicide Prevention Week.  In life, every day you are handed dozens of small choices.  The universe responds and adapts to the choice you make, which is what makes up your quality of life.  Sometimes you are dealt a crappy hand, but you get to make the decision of how you want to it to turn out.  Do you want to let it be your demise or simply the beginning of something infinitely better?  Because I promise you, on my mother’s life, if you take control and make the conscious effort to start making choices that are beneficial, there IS better on the other side.  It can be so hard to believe that when you’re at rock bottom.  It wasn’t that long ago that I was literally on my floor, hadn’t eaten in days, sobbing to the point my ribcage hurt, unemployed, heartbroken and praying with everything in me that I would just die and hating myself for not having the guts to do it myself.  But I put one foot in front of the other and trudged on, focusing on one small step at a time and now I am finally so far out of the darkness I’m able to look back and realize all of it was actually the greatest gift I’ve ever been given.  I am so grateful for the hard times, the betrayals and the lessons, because it has finally pushed me into the life of my wildest dreams…and it’s only getting better.  Were it not for all that, I would have never set my life on fire and risen up new from the ashes.   There is no one getting in your way except yourself, so break free from anything that doesn’t serve in your best interest anymore and demand better.  My only regret is that I didn’t do that sooner.