(March 6, 2019)

Well gang, it’s finally happened.  A milestone in my life I never dreamed would occur for me has in fact come to fruition.  I am finally at the age that I am starting sentences with the dreaded “these kids today…” and it is my highly valued and expert opinion that it’s never been more warranted.  (I would like to preface this by saying I am going to try not to generalize, but am basing this on overall pop culture.  I realize not all millennials are monsters 😊 )

As I mentioned in a previous article, I listen to a lot of podcasts.  Mostly because I have also reached the point in my life where I am more entertained by talk radio than new music, further validating my rock solid middle-aged status.  I recently subscribed to a new show called “Call Her Daddy” that was suggested by Apple based on my other choices.  Being female led and owned by Barstool, I thought this would be something I would enjoy.  WRONG.  By my second episode in, I was shocked, horrified, dumbfounded but most of all annoyed at a level I didn’t know was humanly possible.  These two 25 year old idiots fill their entire hour by giving horrible advice on how to play mind games with men (leaving them on read is SO last year), the proper way to social media (filters are over, familiarize yourself with facetune and photoshop), the fine art of scoring a sugar daddy (make sure to take all his gifted Chanel bags to the store to ensure authenticity) and passing along all their expert sex tips that they have painstakingly honed over years of hard work studying the craft on such reputable sources as Pornhub.  Between these nuggets of wisdom, which they delivered in their signature vapid, porn-y, Valley Girl vernacular, they screeched and YAAAASSSSSSSS’d and moaned and repeatedly congratulated one another’s brilliance after every stupid thing that left the other’s mouth. And the most terrifying angle of it all-they have hundreds of thousands of followers and listeners who actually write in to them for advice!  The horror of it all.

These two girls are not an isolated incident for me.  I have several friends who bartend so I am sometimes in mixed company with this age group, although typically I’m on my way home to bed when they are just getting their night started.  It feels like there is no grasp on reality for them, no concept of what is actually going on in the world and what truly matters.  This generation has been spoon-fed a digital universe rooted in instant gratification and ruled by Kardashians.  They’ve never known a life before the internet, thus making nothing shocking and innocence basically nonexistent.  I’ve even overheard girls no more than 16 discussing sex acts that I personally didn’t consider performing at 30 until I was coerced with a $6000 engagement ring and a bottle and a half of wine.  And let me go ahead and say I am by NO means a prude or a stick in the mud.  If you know me personally, I am one of the most open-not to mention dirty- minded individuals on the planet.  But when is it too far?  When a teenager has the world at their fingertips, things that used to be reserved for trusting and committed relationships are par for the course because the level of expectation is so horribly skewed.

This mentality extends far beyond the shock value of sex.  I worry that this all-access, all the time existence has bred a generation of laziness and entitlement.  Life has been made so easy, no one has to want for anything now, regardless of age.  But when you’ve never known anything else, how can you truly appreciate the value of that type of convenience?  I fear that a lot of the parents of 90s and 2000s kids want to encourage their child’s uniqueness by giving them freedom to be their own person, which was not really enforced when they were coming of age in the 70s and early 80s.  But sometimes a lack of structure and guidance can be just as problematic, leading teens to look for outside influences amongst their peers and in the media instead of searching within themselves for who they really are and want to be.    

Look, I get it.  It wasn’t that long ago that I was an insufferable college kid who knew it all and did it all.  In my mind I was SO cutting edge and cool and nothing surprised me and it was awesome to not give a crap about anyone or anything else.  But at that point in time, I could only access Myspace from my desktop and Facebook was just a place for friends.  The choices teens and 20somethings are making these days are truly living in infamy for eternity, or at least until the internet implodes and the apocalypse falls upon us.  It’s dangerous and at the very least, I think in about 10 years these girls and guys are going to be very embarrassed at the things they said and did publicly.  So my message to millennials is this:  I promise you that contrary to what you’re being told by the dead-eyed blow-up dolls you idolize, you do not have to have your “freak game on point.”  Not everyone is going to become a millionaire by inventing the next social media or dating app.  Your life is not ending because your parents won’t Venmo you money for your daily Starbucks fix.  There are a million ways to make money in this world, and trading sex for it should be at the end of your list instead of the top.  And for the love of god, don’t get face tattoos.  You’re 19.  Focus on yourself and what makes you fulfilled and THAT is where you will find your true happiness.  Get out and help someone less fortunate and be grateful to the point of tears that you’ve been afforded this life of ease and comfort.

And if anyone would like anymore advice, I will be fielding questions from my couch following the 9:30p rerun of Frasier…if I can stay awake.