(May 20, 2019)

Today is my first day giving meditation a real solid effort.  I find that even following my grueling workouts at the hot yoga studio, I am physically incapable of “turning off” for the brief 2-3 minute relaxation period at the end.  Not being able to unwind while soothing music is playing and an icy cold towel soaked in essential oils is draped across your sweaty forehead has made me realize I might have a problem.  So in an effort to quiet my mind and center myself, I’m dedicating 3 minutes every morning and 3 minutes every evening to silent meditation, where I simply close my eyes and focus on counting. 

I am somewhat of a pessimist at my core, so the idea of “anxiety” has always seemed like a crutch to me, an excuse that weak minded people used to justify laziness or oddball behavior.  Following a series of unfortunate events over the last few years coupled with getting a little older, I have realized anxiety and depression is a very real thing and I suffer from it a great deal.  Following my acceptance of this realization, so many small unexplained things finally have an answer- take for example the fact that I woke up at 3:30 this morning, bright eyed and bushy tailed, even though I had only just fallen asleep after 11.  I know my body, and my perfect sleep number is 9 hours, but here lately without fail I wake up around 3-4a, eyes wide open and mind racing.  I play on my phone (which is admittedly the worst thing you can do), toss and turn, and eventually after 2 hours or so, I turn on Frasier or Golden Girls to lull me back to sleep.  If it gets too close to my alarm going off, which was the case this morning, I just call it a loss and get up.

 Most of the time my insomnia is related to dreaming.   My entire life I’ve had vivid dreams, which I attribute to an empathic personality.  When I have good dreams, I can feel every sensation, taste every flavor and see every color.  Unfortunately, this is also the case when I have bad dreams.  When I wake up it takes at least 30 seconds for me to come fully to, pull myself out of whatever dream I was having and realize where I am, what day it is, what’s going on and who I am.  Being able to feel energy to this degree has always served me well, as I can read people and situations almost instantly.  However, my sensitivity to negative energy only further increases my anxious tendencies, making interactions with sad, sick or angry people exceptionally unbearable.  It literally feels like a weight pushing on my chest, my skin crawls and I have to fight the urge to run because in most cases, that is not socially acceptable. 

For my first meditation attempt this morning, I am satisfied but I wouldn’t say pleased.  I wanted an environment that is refreshing to my spirit and untainted, and outdoors at dawn is my favorite. ( I only wish I also had some type of water feature nearby. )   I made a cup of warm lemon water and retreated to my front porch swing before the sun had broken the mountain horizon.  I set a timer with an alarm on my phone for 3 minutes, closed my eyes and began counting. 

Breathe in…2….3…4, breathe out…2…3…4…

It quickly came to my attention that I was rocking far too much on the swing and that my legs were tense and stiffened.  So I stopped the swinging and focused on relaxing my muscles, starting from my feet upward.  Back to counting.

In…2…3…4, out…2…3…4…

After a few moments of this I started noticing just how many birds were chirping.   It’s funny you never notice birds singing, as it’s just become background noise.  But in that moment of stillness, with no cars, no lawnmowers and nothing but my breath to focus on, it occurred to me that it sounded like a rainforest just outside my front porch.  I lost count of my breathing and instead started counting how many species I could differentiate just based on their call. 

There went a rooster down the road, 1.  Followed by the sad coos of a mourning dove, 2.  A few black birds cawing at each other…3. 

Although I couldn’t pinpoint anymore just by sound, I estimated there were at least 4 or 5 more adding to the ruckus.  Their calling back and forth seemed to swell in my ears and only get louder the more I focused on it, so I tried to get back to my breathing and focused on scent and just feeling the fresh air fill my lungs to their absolute capacity before expelling it back into the world. 

Before I knew it my 3 minutes was up.  I opened my eyes and evaluated my experience as I sipped my lemon water.  I definitely have a lot of work to do on quieting my mind.  I need to be able to shut down outside distractions and simply hone inward and be able to totally let myself relax.  My body is still far too tense and my mind too tightly wound for what I am trying to accomplish.  I do love however, that this has shown me how much of my surroundings I am missing because I’m too distracted by “things.”  How have I never noticed the birds like that before?  And sitting in that stillness I was able to fully acknowledge my body and just how tensed up I am without even realizing it.  It’s no wonder I wake up with a stiff neck every morning. 

I’m hoping this evening will be a more relaxing event and may try to focus those efforts during a hot bath before bedtime.  Here’s hoping!