Month: September 2020

(June 27, 2019)

In the wild world of dating in 2019, a single person can encounter any number of oddities and atrocities.  Online dating sites and apps have thrown a whole new monkey wrench into an already sometimes complicated and lengthy process.  Add that to the fact that people are overall more career-focused and busier than ever, and the entire courting experience can become exhaustive.  It’s almost as if we’ve all forgotten how to act!  Being a single, straight female, I can only speak from my perspective, but it seems regardless of age, race, gender or sexual orientation, we’re all losing a little bit of respect for the opposite sex with every swipe of our phone screen.  I’ve decided to put an emphasis on bringing back a little bit of traditional values into my dating expectations, and it is of my own humble opinion that these things never fail to make a good impression on a girl, regardless of how progressive or independent she is.  Guys, good manners and respect NEVER go out of style, so read ahead for my advice on how to better your batting average with the ladies, or even if you’ve gotten too comfortable in your long-term relationship, bringing back these little acts can spice things up.

1. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS open the door for a lady.  Whether it’s a car door or walking into a room or building, open the door and step aside and allow her to step in ahead of you.  Don’t you dare push your way through a door and let it swing shut on her.  I had a date do this who initially seemed nice and normal.  After doing this repeatedly, it made me feel unnoticed and left behind as he just charged ahead leaving me to catch up in the dust.  Straight up, it is rude.  And opening the car door doesn’t have to be something you do every single time you get in and out, but if you are given the opportunity, take it.  It is such a small simple gesture that is guaranteed to make a girl feel special. 
2. If you invite someone to meet you and it involves money, you better pay for it.  Another one-time date I went on was the only guy I ever actually met off a dating app.  He invited me to a French bistro for coffee in Charlotte, across the street from his office.  I got there and he told me he’d already had 2 cups of coffee that morning and wouldn’t be having anything, but encouraged me to get something.  When I placed my order, he stood there like an idiot staring at his phone while I dug out my Visa to pay for the $6 coffee I didn’t really want that HE had invited me to.  At the end of the day, it’s $6.  But I wouldn’t have been there had he not asked, which makes it his responsibility.  I personally don’t believe in going “dutch” on dates.  If you ask someone to join you because you like their company, be willing to pony up the cash for their meal or drink.  And most of the time I will offer to pay at the next stop, be it for a round of drinks or a coffee and dessert.  I’m not a free-loader, but whoever does the asking is doing the paying, that’s just the way it is. 
3. Put away your effing phone.  Everyone is busy and extremely connected in this day and age.  Do I expect someone to turn off their ringer and keep their phone in the car the entire time they’re with me?  No.  There is nothing wrong with glancing at a text or taking a brief work call.  But if you take me for a cocktail and continuously go outside to talk business or stare at your fantasy football scores or scroll your Instagram feed, I’m going to assume my company isn’t very interesting for you and will never talk to you again.  Treat a date like it is a job interview.  Would you act that way in front of a potential employer?  Have some sense and just be respectful. 
4. Don’t invite your friends.  Dating is not a group activity.  The point of dating someone is to get to know them, and it’s hard to do that when it isn’t one-on-one.  Of course you want to see if your friends approve of this potential partner and how they mesh with your circle, but straight out of the gate, no girl wants to be fighting for attention with your “bros.”  If you have plans with your boys later, maybe go out for a one-on-one dinner and let her know early on that you will be meeting up with them later in the evening and invite her if you really enjoy her company.  At that point she has an option in the matter and knows going in what the circumstances are. 
5. Don’t play games.  If you had a nice time on the date, text her when you get home within an hour or two and just let her know.  No, don’t be creepy and message her from the driveway about how you can’t stop thinking about her.  But you don’t have to play the “wait 3 days” card either.  At that point I am going to assume I was ghosted or that you had someone else to occupy your time and I’ve moved on.  Simply shoot a message within a few hours of parting thanking them for a lovely time and stating that you are interested in seeing them again very soon.  And do NOT leave that open ended.  At least make a tentative plan and stick to it.  So often people will say “we definitely need to get together again soon,” and never follow through.  Make sure to suggest a plan then follow up the next day to set it.  Everyone’s time is valuable so get in there while you have the chance.
6. Put a little effort into upgrading your life.  You don’t need to hire an interior designer to come over and give your 1 bedroom apartment the “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” treatment.  But getting yourself a solid sheet set that includes A TOP SHEET and a decent comforter that doesn’t look like a sleeping bag isn’t asking for much, nor is the expectation that you wash them from time to time.  Spend $10 on a candle at TJ Maxx, run a brush around the inside of your toilet every now and then when you see something clinging and keep up with your laundry so your towels don’t smell like mildew.  A big pro tip here that you will thank me for later- buy a $2 pack of makeup remover wipes to keep under your sink.  In the event that you get lucky and have a sleepover, this kind of courtesy cannot be repaid by a lady who wasn’t packed or planning for an overnight trip.  You may even want to consider keeping those free toothbrushes from the dentist that you could offer her for one-time use.  Play on playa!

I hope these nuggets of wisdom will stick with some of you.  Preferably the next guy I go on a date with!!  It doesn’t take a whole lot of time, money or effort to be a good person, so make it a priority and it will always pay off.  Happy hunting fellow singles!!

(June 19, 2019)

Picture this:  I am sitting at a table, surrounded by people I don’t know in an upscale restaurant full of food I can’t pronounce in a huge city where I am completely lost.  Everyone at the table is in heated discussion on a topic I should at least know SOMETHING about, but they may as well be speaking in tongues. Someone asks my opinion and they all turn their attention to me in silence. I am at a complete loss and begin to shift in my seat, evaluating whether it’s possible to slide under the table and die unnoticed.  I did not suddenly wake up in my usual cold sweats, riddled with anxiety from this nightmare.  It was my first day at my new job last week, and sadly this nightmare was my new reality. 

It has been quite some time since I felt like the dumbest person in the room.  For the past 33 years, I’ve lived, worked and played in the place I was born, only venturing out for short, well-planned trips or vacations.  It’s easy to feel like a real smarty pants when you see the same people and do the same things day in and day out.  Subconsciously, I have created my own little comfort bubble that keeps my ego from being bruised and prevents me from failure…as well as hindering me from great success.  I’ve finally decided that it’s far more desirable to be the dumbest person in the room who is being pushed upward to meet the standards of my surroundings than to know something inside and out at the top of my game with only one direction left to go. 

I have embarked on what I am certain is the most exciting journey of my life.  In turn, it is also the scariest and most challenging thing I’ve ever done.  This past week I’ve experienced complete mental and physical exhaustion, working 12-hour days and spending my brief time before sleep drowning myself in literature, podcasts and YouTube videos, attempting to cram as much information into my already full brain as humanly possible.  Leaving everything and essentially everyone I know behind, I have drained the last of my savings and relied on the generosity of a friend’s couch for the next 2 ½ weeks, all to push myself out of the comfortable shell, or hell, of my own making and begin building the life of my dreams.  Knowing I was grossly underqualified for this position, I fought tooth and nail to prove why I should be hired and now I’m doing the same to prove to myself as much as everyone else that I can achieve anything I want.  It is going to take everything I have- sleepless nights, asking embarrassing questions, tears, loneliness, isolation and picking myself back up as many times as I fall, but I am so excited and grateful for the opportunity.  Because for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  The greater the risk, the greater the reward and all the other BS cliché sayings that are rooted in truth.  So long as I keep myself in my bubble making zero changes, then nothing ever changes.  Sure I might not get hurt, but I’ll also never make progress.  And every opportunity at failure is just as much an opportunity at success, it all depends on how badly I want it. 

When a person gains weight, their pants get tight and make them uncomfortable because they’ve grown.  When they work out and get sore it’s because the muscles are ripping and physically growing.  And I believe when your heart gets broken it’s for the same reason.  Your heart is a muscle and just like the others, when it gets ripped to shreds and is aching its because it is actually expanding to make room for the love of the right person.  Discomfort is directly equated to change in our lives-you can’t have one without the other. 

Sometimes things happen in life that force you to abandon your comfort zone.  You embrace the discomfort, knowing it is going to push you to greater things and that feeling becomes a strange sort of comfort on its own.  For the first time in many years I am LEARNING.  I’m feeling challenged and eager, and while I might collapse every night, I wake up every morning with a renewed sense of purpose and pride.  There is nothing holding me back anymore, I’ve freed myself from every emotional and physical rope that bound me to achieving my highest self.  I am the luckiest girl in the world, because I now have the power to be anyone I want to be.  I’ve realized I like who I am at my core, but I just want to make her a more worldly, educated and enlightened version, instead of stagnant, stunted and ultimately regretful of what might have been.

Every person reading this has the same opportunity I’ve been given.  If you truly want something you’ll find every way in the world to make it work and if you don’t you’ll always find an excuse for why it can’t.  I am so excited to be taking you all along on this journey with me and wish you the same level of pain and discomfort – as well as growth and happiness- as myself. 

(June 13, 2019)

Last Friday I was at the bar at Label chatting with a couple of recent college grad girls I know.  I was regaling them with stories from my “Train Wreck 20s” and as we were all laughing at the near-death experiences and hijinks that me 40lbs heavier got into, one of the girls said “I feel like you’ve lived 10 lifetimes.”  It also feels that way to me.  Like most people, I have looked back on my younger years on more than one occasion and thought to myself “If I only knew then what I know now.”  My early 20s were a fun period of growing pains for me, but I definitely can’t say I look back on those years with pride.  I accomplished a big milestone and graduated college, somehow, but otherwise I see a lot of missed opportunities and a couple of mistakes that certainly could have been avoided.  With that being said, I’ve compiled a list of things that 33-year-old Kathie would have liked to relay to 20-year-old Kathie.

1.  Take full advantage of the college experience.  Study abroad, be active on campus, go to ball games, join clubs, etc.  Use every opportunity to expose yourself to new ideas and people and make connections.  And actually try to learn something useful!
2. Don’t take out unnecessary college loans.  My school was completely paid for through scholarships, but I decided to take my sweet time and finish up in a timely 5 years and took out a couple small loans because it was “free money” that I could easily pay back when I got my “dream job” that I was getting a degree for.  I’ve been graduated for a decade and those loans are still being paid on and the only thing I have to show for it is a couple of boozy trips to Myrtle Beach.
3. Cool it with the PBR.  I don’t need to discuss this any further.
4. Take better care of your body, you’re not in high school anymore.  Eating garbage food and binging on alcohol several times a week will not only make a quick and negative impact on your physical well-being, but it takes a toll on your mental health as well.  Instead of spending your free time flopping around on the couch in a hangover-induced food coma, go use the state-of-the art gym that’s included in your tuition fees.  It’s a whole lot easier to lose and maintain your weight in your 20s than your 30s.
5. Make better decisions, you are not invincible.  There is no excuse for me even being alive right now based off all the stupid things I did when I was younger.  When you’re that age you think nothing bad can happen to you so it makes you far more careless.  You are not invincible so choose wisely.
6. Spend more time with your parents and true loved ones.  Life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer you get to the end the faster it goes and you will never regret time spent with the people who genuinely care for you and contribute to your life.
7. Respect yourself.  This is the most important thing I can hammer home to myself or any other young person who is transitioning from a teen to an adult.  When you have respect for yourself and love who you are you will save yourself a lot of heartache because you won’t tolerate anyone else who doesn’t.  You won’t waste precious time on loser exes who treated you like crap or could damage you for the future. 
8. Remember that while it is not impossible to redeem yourself and grow into a better person, the things you do today can stick with you for many years.  You get but one chance to make a first impression and sometimes that is your only impression.  So limit your embarrassing moments and try to carry yourself with dignity and act like a decent human.  You never know if the teacher who is seeing you schlepping into class in a sweatshirt and sunglasses may end up being the person you have to interview in front of for a job one day.  Life is crazy.
9. To piggy-back off of number 8, in life it is all about who you know and not what you know.  Make as many valuable connections in business as you can because it will reward you in the end.  Be involved in your community and always be courteous to people, because you will need it in the future.
10. Again, don’t drink PBR.  It’s gross, it’s cheap, it doesn’t make you look cool and it makes you fat.

Time is so precious and we all have things we wish we might have done differently.  In the end, it’s all these experiences that add up to the person we are at this very moment so there is no need to have regrets.  In one day you are born and in one day you die.  You can fall in love or have your heart shattered in just one day.  I think the important message to all this is to use each day to its fullest and be the best we can be.  I hope you all have a wonderful productive week!

(June 5, 2019)

Last week I was in the middle of a phone appointment with Therapist when he imparted some of the most valuable wisdom I’ve ever paid $75/hour to hear.  Luckily for you, I am going to share this little grain of truth with you for free!  We had run the gamut of pertinent topics in my life- new jobs, new homes, anxieties, etc- and now we were on the subject of my love life…my favorite! 

“I’m afraid I’m not going to feel those things I felt in the last relationship ever again,” I bemoaned.  “I’ve never felt anything like that in my life and if THAT wasn’t the real deal, I’m scared I’ll NEVER find it.”

“Kathie,” he said, “when you find ‘The One’ you’re going to feel something way stronger than that and it’s all going to align-the head AND the heart.”

I paused for a moment, then presented him with a question.  “You’re an intellectual man.  A trained counselor with a multitude of degrees and certifications and hours of learning about the human mind.  Do you mean to tell me that a learned individual like yourself believes in the fairy tale of ‘The One’?”

And that was when he hit me with the golden nugget of truth.  “When I say ’The One’ I am not implying that there is one special person in the 7.5 billion people on Earth that you are supposed to be with.  What I am saying, is that out of 7.5 billion people, you are extremely compatible with 1% of them.  That means you still have 75 million people to choose from.”

Wow.  What a way to put things into perspective!  We often get so pigeonholed into the smallness of our daily lives that we forget how truly big the world is.  Let’s look at it this way: if I’m compatible with 75 million people, that means I have my pick of roughly half the population of Russia or the entirety of Turkey.  Or for even more perspective, you would have to fill 1,153 Johnson City’s with eligible people to meet that number! 

This culture of love songs, Hollywood and Hallmark cards has led us to believe we have but one shot at happiness.  One soulmate to complete us and make us feel like a whole human.  A lot of the loss we feel when we lose these relationships comes from the despair and worry that we missed our ship.  That was our one true love and if that didn’t work out, we will never find it again.  It’s scary to feel passion on such an intense level and be so absolutely vulnerable with another human being and have things fall apart.  Every human craves love, to feel desired and appreciated by another and we have been told our whole lives that there is only one person out there who can do that for us.  That is a horrifying thought, made even more terrifying by the aging process.  We feel less desirable as we get older, like our options are getting slimmer with each passing day. 

This new information that seems so obvious has made me realize it’s going to be ok.  I need to expand my horizons, because 10x the population of Hong Kong is out there waiting to meet me!  Therapist made another good point I want to touch on.  When he said, “your head and your heart will align,” there was another extremely important message that I want to share. 

In my last relationship, I was running off pure emotion.  I allowed the things I was feeling in my heart to completely cloud my judgement about the obvious flaws with this person and the relationship as a whole.  If I had stepped back and let my head make some decisions, I would have never been involved in the first place, and subsequently wouldn’t have endured the most painful experience of my life to date.  This was an experience in my life I had to go through to teach me this lesson and make me grow as a human.  The right relationship with the RIGHT person not only makes you feel those passions and highs, but it also makes sense practically.  There aren’t glaring red flags and obvious no-no’s that under normal circumstances we would even consider compromising our values and self-worth for.  On the flip side of the coin, you cannot find a relationship that looks good on paper but is lacking emotion.  My marriage was that way.  My ex-husband was safe, reliable and predictable, had a job and a strong family structure.  But emotionally there was no fire, and thus it fizzled and died.  The head and the heart MUST be in alignment or else it will fail every time.    

If you’re like me and sometimes you feel like giving up in the love department, before all else, do some soul searching and learn to love yourself completely first.  This is my biggest challenge and one I am working on whole-heartedly.  I have no desire to connect with another person until I reach a point where I am totally in love with who I am inside and out.  At that point, I challenge all 75 million of my soulmates to come try to love me more than that.  I also intend to travel and meet as many people as possible to increase my odds of meeting my ‘One.’ 

I hope this information proves to be as beneficial to you as it was to me.  And look, you won’t even have to Venmo me $75 for sharing it…this time.      

(May 30, 2019)

If you are a childless woman of a certain age, it is inevitable that you have experienced some degree of “motherhood shaming,” and if you haven’t you probably will.  It doesn’t matter how understanding, well-intentioned and open-minded the people surrounding you are, there will come a time someone will probably unintentionally diminish your womanhood and human experience with a slight remark acknowledging the fact that you don’t have children.  I am discussing this today not to point fingers or try to devalue the indescribable bond between a parent and child, but simply to offer the viewpoint from someone on the other side and encourage the idea that we are all simply human and living our own reality.  The fact that someone’s differs from your own doesn’t make their experience any less valid. 

As a 33-year-old single woman, I’ve been hit with the common remarks geared toward childless people more than I ever care to count.

“You can’t understand, you’re not a parent.”

“You’ll never truly know what love is like until you have a baby.”

“It’s selfish to just think about yourself for the rest of your life.”

The list goes on.  These phrases were never said to me in a derogatory way.  In fact, they were spoken by people I love and care about a great deal, in passing, and they surely don’t even recognize what they said as being degrading.  But take a closer look and you can see how these words leave quite the sting on someone.  Essentially you’re saying that since I will never have a child, I am missing an entire link in the human experience and thus will never be a complete person. 

To look at things solely from an evolutionary standpoint, I am a failure.  As just another animal on this planet, my sole purpose is to procreate to further the species, eat, poop and die.  But since no one has ever shamed me with “your lack of reproduction is a total disappointment to homo sapiens,” I’m going to assume we’re all running with the idea that there is a little more to this thing called life and it involves feeling, emotion, etc. 

It is true that I have not known the wonder of growing another being inside my body.  I think it is an absolutely amazing and almost unbelievable process.  I am in awe of each of my beautiful friends who have carried and birthed a child because I myself can’t do it.  From the beautiful details like feeling the baby moving in your tummy to the less savory aspects like crapping on the hospital bed, it blows my mind that a person is physically capable of such a miracle and I bow down to you all. 

But just because I haven’t felt that, how does that make me less capable of understanding the emotion of love?  Allow me to make an analogy to put things into perspective.  I am an only child who is very close to my parents.  That’s a little rare, since most everyone I know has at least 1 sibling.  In my life, I am going to experience that relationship very differently than them. Growing up, I never had to share my parents’ affection and when the time comes for me to, god forbid, lose them, I am going to face that process alone.  Does that mean that the grief I will feel during that time will be more than the grief of my friends with siblings simply because of a life circumstance?  How unfair would it be to look at a friend and say “You can’t understand the loss I’m feeling.  The bond between parents and an only child is so much different than with multiple children.”

On the emotional spectrum, love is the most intense and varied.  There are different kinds of love and one is not more or less powerful than the other.  I fell in love with someone with my heart, body and soul and would have given my life for this person, the same as my parents, but it was a different degree of love.  It didn’t make that person more important than my mother.  When they exited my life, I grieved with the intensity I imagine I will grieve over the loss of one of my parents.  I couldn’t get out of bed.  My body physically ached.  I couldn’t eat or sleep.  That is the experience of loss and it can hurt just as badly whether it’s over a dog, a lover or a best friend. 

To assume that another person can’t fully process an emotion the way you can simply because you have a child is degrading.  It is just another type of love, albeit a very deep and passionate love.  It is not selfish for a person to make the choice not to have children, as I have been told in the past.  To me what is selfish is bringing a child into the world and HOPING your feelings change once it is here.  Considering that in my entire life I’ve never pictured myself as a mother, that’s a pretty big gamble I’m not willing to take because it is unfair to a baby.  You hear that a lot – “Oh I was just like you, never liked kids, didn’t even know I wanted them up until I had mine.  But something just changes the first time you see them.”  That’s all well and good and maybe it’s true.  Maybe if I had gotten pregnant as an adult or hadn’t miscarried when I was 15, my feelings and hopes and dreams for my future would have been vastly different.  But in that regard I may never know. 

I know my situation.  I’ll be 34 in December and my clock is ticking… loudly.  Within a year or two I might have to make a decision on freezing my eggs or I could lose the option to ever be a mother and that is a bit frightening.  But how can you grieve something you’ve never experienced?  It’s simply grieving the imaginations version of “what might have been.” 

We are all facing life without a clue what we’re doing. Parents, not parents, we’re all winging it. We base our own versions of right and wrong off our own experiences and knowledge and what works for me probably won’t work for you. It doesn’t mean anyone is more enlightened than anyone else.  Despite what we’ve all been told, we’re not so unique and special.  So think before you speak.  Single people too!  I’ve never been up all night with a screaming and teething baby so it’s very possible I’ve been dismissive to the level of exhaustion new parents feel. Take the opportunity to really listen to your loved ones and be supportive no matter what path they’re taking.  There is wisdom to be gained from each and every person you meet.

(May 23, 2019)

Over the weekend I enjoyed a night out with some friends.  I met up with them at the Country Club then dinner at Peerless followed by after dinner drinks around town.  It was a decently large group of people, 6 of us, and we were all having a great time.  I’m only particularly close to 2 of the people on board, but am a friendly acquaintance of several years to the others.  We were all having fun, laughing, enjoying ourselves.  At the bar after dinner, one of the guys in the group bought a couple rounds of shots and announced he had to head home because his wife had something for them to do early in the morning.  Everything seemed fine, he paid and left and I didn’t give it a second thought.  Not long after he departed, another person there was showing me a picture on his phone when a text came through from the guy who had just left.  It said “I can’t deal with Kathie.”  Immediately followed by another text that said “she f**kin kills me.”  I handed the phone back and just said, “you got a text.” Which of course he read and apologized and was so embarrassed I had seen it, but the damage was already done. 

This obviously hurt my feelings.  I had no idea anything was wrong!  In fact, when told what had happened, my close friends were as baffled as I was.  I had engaged with this person at dinner and we all were having lively conversation with lots of laughing.  I’ve always been extremely nice to this individual when we’ve been in the same group so I was at a loss for why he said that.  My initial reaction was to be sad that someone didn’t like me, then I started to get angry and wanted to reach out to him and ask what I had done and make him explain himself.  Thankfully I didn’t pursue that route and just let it go for the night.

The next morning I woke up and it was still eating at me.  But after some time of thinking about it, I asked myself a question- how does this person’s opinion of me affect me?  I don’t know him well.  Sure we’ve grown up in the same town our whole lives, but I’ve only been in the same room as him for social events on probably 3 occasions.  I don’t even know his phone number or where he lives.  That’s when I decided it is none of my business what this person thinks about me.  It also occurred to me how many times I have done the SAME EXACT THING about people I hardly know.  I probably couldn’t count the number of times I’ve been out with a group of friends and someone I barely knew was there as a guest and although they were nothing but nice to me, something about them just grated at my nerves.  I’m sure I followed our encounter with a “ugh, so-and-so wears me out!”  They didn’t deserve that comment just as much as I didn’t.

No one wants to think of themselves as annoying or unlikable, but the truth of the matter is this.  Sometimes it doesn’t matter how nice you are to someone, you might end up just not being their cup of tea, and that is a problem for them, not you.  If you know you’ve always been kind and never done anything to hurt them and they simply don’t jive with your personality, then you’ve fulfilled your end of things.  Especially if this person isn’t even a close friend.  Who cares?  Before letting someone else’s opinion affect how you see yourself, ask what impact this person has on your life.  If they have never crossed your mind prior to this knowledge, then let them back out of your mind where they belong.  I think taking constructive criticism is an essential skill as an adult, so if you continue to get the same negative feedback about behavior, maybe that is something to look into.  But if it’s just a one-off situation where someone doesn’t appreciate your sense of humor or sound of your voice, who gives a crap?! 

This is a great big world, full of diverse and unique personalities and sometimes we’re not all going to mesh and that’s ok.  As an individual, the most important obligation we can uphold is to be kind to others and treat them how you would want to be treated.  I hope everyone is a little nicer and more empathetic to each other this week!

(May 20, 2019)

Today is my first day giving meditation a real solid effort.  I find that even following my grueling workouts at the hot yoga studio, I am physically incapable of “turning off” for the brief 2-3 minute relaxation period at the end.  Not being able to unwind while soothing music is playing and an icy cold towel soaked in essential oils is draped across your sweaty forehead has made me realize I might have a problem.  So in an effort to quiet my mind and center myself, I’m dedicating 3 minutes every morning and 3 minutes every evening to silent meditation, where I simply close my eyes and focus on counting. 

I am somewhat of a pessimist at my core, so the idea of “anxiety” has always seemed like a crutch to me, an excuse that weak minded people used to justify laziness or oddball behavior.  Following a series of unfortunate events over the last few years coupled with getting a little older, I have realized anxiety and depression is a very real thing and I suffer from it a great deal.  Following my acceptance of this realization, so many small unexplained things finally have an answer- take for example the fact that I woke up at 3:30 this morning, bright eyed and bushy tailed, even though I had only just fallen asleep after 11.  I know my body, and my perfect sleep number is 9 hours, but here lately without fail I wake up around 3-4a, eyes wide open and mind racing.  I play on my phone (which is admittedly the worst thing you can do), toss and turn, and eventually after 2 hours or so, I turn on Frasier or Golden Girls to lull me back to sleep.  If it gets too close to my alarm going off, which was the case this morning, I just call it a loss and get up.

 Most of the time my insomnia is related to dreaming.   My entire life I’ve had vivid dreams, which I attribute to an empathic personality.  When I have good dreams, I can feel every sensation, taste every flavor and see every color.  Unfortunately, this is also the case when I have bad dreams.  When I wake up it takes at least 30 seconds for me to come fully to, pull myself out of whatever dream I was having and realize where I am, what day it is, what’s going on and who I am.  Being able to feel energy to this degree has always served me well, as I can read people and situations almost instantly.  However, my sensitivity to negative energy only further increases my anxious tendencies, making interactions with sad, sick or angry people exceptionally unbearable.  It literally feels like a weight pushing on my chest, my skin crawls and I have to fight the urge to run because in most cases, that is not socially acceptable. 

For my first meditation attempt this morning, I am satisfied but I wouldn’t say pleased.  I wanted an environment that is refreshing to my spirit and untainted, and outdoors at dawn is my favorite. ( I only wish I also had some type of water feature nearby. )   I made a cup of warm lemon water and retreated to my front porch swing before the sun had broken the mountain horizon.  I set a timer with an alarm on my phone for 3 minutes, closed my eyes and began counting. 

Breathe in…2….3…4, breathe out…2…3…4…

It quickly came to my attention that I was rocking far too much on the swing and that my legs were tense and stiffened.  So I stopped the swinging and focused on relaxing my muscles, starting from my feet upward.  Back to counting.

In…2…3…4, out…2…3…4…

After a few moments of this I started noticing just how many birds were chirping.   It’s funny you never notice birds singing, as it’s just become background noise.  But in that moment of stillness, with no cars, no lawnmowers and nothing but my breath to focus on, it occurred to me that it sounded like a rainforest just outside my front porch.  I lost count of my breathing and instead started counting how many species I could differentiate just based on their call. 

There went a rooster down the road, 1.  Followed by the sad coos of a mourning dove, 2.  A few black birds cawing at each other…3. 

Although I couldn’t pinpoint anymore just by sound, I estimated there were at least 4 or 5 more adding to the ruckus.  Their calling back and forth seemed to swell in my ears and only get louder the more I focused on it, so I tried to get back to my breathing and focused on scent and just feeling the fresh air fill my lungs to their absolute capacity before expelling it back into the world. 

Before I knew it my 3 minutes was up.  I opened my eyes and evaluated my experience as I sipped my lemon water.  I definitely have a lot of work to do on quieting my mind.  I need to be able to shut down outside distractions and simply hone inward and be able to totally let myself relax.  My body is still far too tense and my mind too tightly wound for what I am trying to accomplish.  I do love however, that this has shown me how much of my surroundings I am missing because I’m too distracted by “things.”  How have I never noticed the birds like that before?  And sitting in that stillness I was able to fully acknowledge my body and just how tensed up I am without even realizing it.  It’s no wonder I wake up with a stiff neck every morning. 

I’m hoping this evening will be a more relaxing event and may try to focus those efforts during a hot bath before bedtime.  Here’s hoping! 

(May 9, 2019)

In the ongoing saga of me failing to live up to my full daughter potential, when submitting my article for last week’s deadline I did not realize that it was the week of Mother’s Day and I did not get to properly honor Queen Gail like I had planned.  So this week I am doing my due diligence and taking this time to let the light that is my mother shine into your lives a little. 

My mom grew up under some of the most unsavory circumstances a person could imagine.  Without diving too deep into her upbringing, because that is her story and not mine to tell, she was the middle of 7 children in a very poor family who mostly worked in tobacco to earn a living.  They moved around frequently and when she was small one of their houses actually burned down and they lost what meager possessions they did have.  Mom left school early to help her family financially once she reached legal working age, but when I was a child she went back and earned her GED, which is just one of the many things that blows my mind about this woman.  I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to study and re-learn concepts she had left behind almost 15 years earlier all while being a new mom, but somehow she did it.

All through school Mom worked 2 jobs to help support our little family and to be able to assist her own widowed mother.  Because my parents were so integral in the care of my grandparents and money was so tight, this meant we didn’t get a lot of vacations or luxuries that I enviously watched my friends enjoy.  Yearly trips to the beach weren’t even an option for discussion in my house, and I’m ashamed to say it made me somewhat resentful.  I neglected to appreciate the fact that my mother would give me her last dollar so I could go back-to-school shopping with my friends and buy the “cool” clothes at American Eagle while she shopped for herself at thrift stores and WalMart for just the bare essentials.  Or the entire year she carried boxes of candy bars to her second job at the grocery store to fundraise enough money for me to go to Orlando on the trip of any 12-year-old’s dreams.  Instead of thanking her for all she did for me and our family, I would sulk in front of my grandmother’s tv for an hour after school every day while my mom helped tidy her house and ensure she had dinner on hand for the night.  She did this every day after putting in 8 hours at work and after we left she would go home to clean our house and cook dinner for us in addition to taking me to whatever extracurriculars I had going on. 

As tight as money was, there was never one time I can recall being denied something from my parents that I wanted or needed, and I realize in hindsight that is because they sacrificed their own desires for mine.  Momma never wanted me to endure the painful upbringing she’d had and never wanted me to have to live with the memories she surely still buries to this day.  She pushed me to always do well in school, reading to me from the time I was born and making sure I was in accelerated classes and college prep programs that would give me a better chance at a free education.  When college finally rolled around, even though my mom had never used a computer in her life, she asked friends and family to help her fill out the FAFSA and make sure I was enrolled and accepted to ETSU.  Walking across that stage with my bachelors in May 2009, my thoughts were “IM FREE! NO MORE SCHOOL,” while my mom finally got to see her dream come true.  I wish I could go back and re-do that day, because it should have been HER who was taken out for a celebration dinner. 

As important as my mother was to my childhood, having her in my life as an adult has been even more valuable.  When I screwed up and got arrested at 22-years-old, she answered the phone and bailed me out and, although she was crying with disappointment, she never stopped loving me.  When I bought my house and didn’t have long enough history at my current employment, she trusted me enough to co-sign the mortgage.  Every time I’ve left town, which has been more trips than I could ever count, she has taken care of my dogs without a single complaint while her and Dad have taken no more than 3 vacations in the last decade.  She’s let me scream and take out misguided anger and when my heart has been shattered into a million pieces she’s wiped my tears and picked me up off the floor.  Sometimes I get so frustrated with my mom.  I feel it’s hard to connect and communicate with her because in certain respects we are very different people.  But then something happens and I am reminded of how truly blessed I am to have this woman as a living part of me.  I talk with someone who had a truly horrific childhood because their parents didn’t care or in some cases they have lost or maybe never even knew their mothers.  Or I put pen to paper like I am now and I am smacked with just how much my mother has sacrificed for me out of love and nothing else and it makes me realize what an ungrateful turd I am sometimes.  I want to someday be able to re-pay her for everything she’s done, although that’s basically impossible.  And the best thing about Gail, and any other mother who loves their child, is that all she wants is my love and happiness in return.  Being a mother is truly a thankless job, but a job my mother has executed flawlessly.  If you have good mothers, I hope you all treated them to a special Mother’s Day, and as for my own, I love you Momma and can never thank you enough.    

(May 3, 2019)

I’ve never been someone who has a strong sense of “girl power” or female unity.  My mentality for the most part has been of the “every man for himself” variety which has made me more of a lone wolf, save a few very close friends I’ve had for years.  Like most women, my experiences with other females haven’t always been positive because let’s face it, girls can be mean.  It seems like from the time we start school we begin picking at each other and it’s just accepted as typical girl behavior.  As of late, I have had a change of heart.  Between discovering the majesty of Lizzo and seeing firsthand some truly gracious displays of female harmony, I’m almost ready to run to the nearest Sephora and join hands while we all sing “I Am Woman Hear Me Roar.”  Well, maybe not that ready. 

My entire life I’ve had a tremendous amount of issues with my appearance. I’ve never looked in a mirror at myself nude and not absolutely hated my reflection.  A lot of this stems from things other girls have criticized about me growing up, and I can’t hold them responsible because I have done the same things myself.  One of my most vivid memories from high school was when a popular senior girl I hardly knew went out of her way to stop me in the cafeteria during my sophomore year just to tell me, “You have the most f*cked up figure I’ve ever seen.”  Almost 20 years later, that sentence still runs through my head almost daily.  When does it become so engrained in us that the way to build ourselves up is to tear others down?  I wonder how differently my views on myself would have been if that girl would have stopped me just to say she thought I was pretty or that she liked my outfit, but honestly, my body dysmorphia is something so personal and powerful that I can’t blame it on anyone but myself.  Unfortunately I get plenty of compliments but those never hold the same impact and I tend to dwell on the negative things instead.  That’s why it’s so important for someone famous to promote healthy body acceptance, and as I mentioned earlier, the artist Lizzo is doing it in such a fun and powerful way that even I’m on board.  Girls today need someone who can encourage self-love and acceptance-hell, even us grown women still need that.

When you’re finally an adult female, one would think that we all outgrow the mean girl mentality, but that sadly isn’t true.  We graduate from picking on each other over hair and clothes to now shaming one another for things like not having children or, if you do have them, how you’re raising them.  I do not have kids myself, but many of my friends do, and the one thing each of them have expressed is how inadequate they feel as a mother due to mom-shaming.  That is pathetic.  Every single woman with a child has literally performed a miracle and as long as you are keeping them alive, fed and safe, you are doing your job, and that is the ONLY thing that matters.  I have been made to feel on a few occasions that I am somehow less of a woman because I’ve never wanted children of my own.  As someone who has always felt this way, I cannot express to you how frustrating it is to be told “you’ll change your mind one day,” or “who will take care of you when you get old?”  Frankly, I would prefer to receive my sponge baths from a tall, dark, young, stranger as opposed to my own flesh and blood during my twilight years, but that’s just me. 

Women also tend to judge each other’s marriages or relationships in general and I can promise you that not one of us has a perfect one to be basing our comparison.  Married women feel sorry for “lonely single girls,” and single women feel bad for the ones who are tied down to husbands and kids and never have a chance at fun.  All the while, we should be most concerned that we are simply in healthy, happy relationships, either with ourselves or a significant other.  These days I am so happy that it’s becoming more and more commonplace to see single, successful women who are prioritizing things like their career over marriage.  I think it’s so important to be able to take care of yourself before getting married, because life is full of twists and turns and you never know when you will have to depend solely on yourself.  Losing financial independence can also make someone stay in an unhealthy relationship because they feel they have no way out.  And on the subject of men, I think this has been and always will be one of the most polarizing elements in female relationships.   Time and again, women absolutely tear each other apart over a man, and from what I have seen from both outside and inside these situations, it is solely due to the inappropriate behavior of the man.  Women naturally want to alleviate the blame from their partner because they don’t want to believe someone they trust could do these things so they excuse it by pointing the finger at someone else.  The other person wants to believe the man is miserable because of the actions of his significant other and will turn them into a monster in their own mind to justify their own actions.  All the while, it is the man who is responsible for creating chaos and disrupting the lives of everyone and yet no one wants to hold him accountable. 

More and more I am seeing women come together and I love it.  For every troll with a nasty comment online, I see 3 more who leave nothing but compliments and encouragement.  I’m seeing ladies who have every right to drag someone publicly because they have been so wronged, but instead are handling the situations rationally from all sides and with grace and dignity that I didn’t even know was possible.  I love that due to the internet, so many women are able to have side hustles and they all cross-promote for one another.  And I especially love the fact that it’s becoming acceptable to look however you want so long as you are healthy.  Let’s keep this trend going!  

(April 25, 2019)

A couple months ago I discussed my goal of conquering irrational and rational fears.  Since beginning my journey of checking things off that list, I’m happy to say it hasn’t decreased in size.  That may sound counterproductive, but I’ve actually been adding things to that list weekly, so every time I tackle one mission I have a brand new one waiting on me. And with each fear I conquer, my confidence gets a little stronger and I am able to more easily overcome the next.  Sometimes now, when I finally get around to doing these things, I’m not even fearful of them anymore, and it’s just a new, exciting experience.

My most recent accomplishment has been facing my fear of horseback riding.  My best friend Robbie and I decided to make a day of it and explore the grounds of Biltmore Estate.  He had never ridden before either and I haven’t been to Biltmore in a decade, so with a perfectly sunny 80-degree day off for the both of us, it seemed like a great place to adventure.  We arrived on the grounds and had about an hour to kill before we had to be at the stables for our 2p trail ride, so we wandered through the gardens and greenhouses that were teeming with colorful, lush flora and greenery.  (If anyone is looking for a place to take some spring photos, this would be my suggestion.  It is gorgeous right now.)  Following our garden tour, we headed to the stables, where we were weighed and fitted with a helmet.  I found the weighing to be a little aggressive, but apparently it has more to do with fitting you to a horse and less to do with making you feel like a fat piece of crap so I let it slide.  I wasn’t nervous in the least until I actually climbed atop the horse, a strapping chestnut fella named “Turbo,” who the handler said was one of the most docile and gentle horses in the pack.  She instructed me on how to operate the reigns and we were soon on our way plodding up the trail.  Initially I was a nervous, rigid wreck.  Every step Turbo took up and down the narrow, wooded trail felt so unsteady, as if we were going to slip and fall at any moment.  I also had the realization that if this gentle giant had any kind of change of heart about me, I would be powerless to reign him in.  He started to inch to the edge of the trail to graze on some sweet, green grass, but the smallest tug of the reign from me immediately steered him back in line and at that moment my faith was restored.  I realized that horses are extremely intuitive and this guy was picking up all of my emotions.  Once I relaxed and began to trust his sturdy steps I was able to take in the beautiful surroundings and really enjoyed the ride.  In fact, I can’t wait to do some more at Warrior’s Path when they open for the season.  This trail ride was such a unique way to experience Biltmore and I never would have seen it in these ways had I let my irrational fear of riding a horse deter me.  It may have even turned me on to a new hobby!

Another phobia that is seeming to be more of an ongoing project to overcome has been tackling the fear of needles.  So over the last month or so I’ve not only filled my face with my yearly cosmetic enhancements, but I also made the decision to get a tattoo.  After carefully examining the very real possibility that I might just be having a midlife crisis, I came to the conclusion that no, this is something I’ve wanted for a long time and I would be happy having this design on my body for eternity.  So I made my appointment at Empire Tattoo in Asheville, who I cannot recommend enough by the way, and that weekend I headed over the mountain.  Yet again, I was not nervous in the least until the needle pierced my skin for the first time, at which point my eyes crossed and I realized I was going to be in a great deal of pain for at least the next hour, because tattoos are kind of one of those things that once you start them, you gotta finish them.  There was no point while I was getting it done that it did not hurt, so for all of you out there who claim “INK THERAPY,” and say you “get addicted to the pain”- more power to you, but you’re LYING!!!  I’m happy with mine, but I by no means have the desire to ever get another one.  If I want to go through that experience again I’ll just try to find a nest full of aggressive hornets with razorblade stingers.  And as for the yearly injections, I’ve made progress!  I did not pass out all the way this time, I simply hurled my guts into a trashcan for about 10 mins afterward, so I call that a win.  It’s baby steps people. 

I’ve made a lot of tiny dents on my list so far, from visiting a psychic to interviewing for a job, and truly each of these seemingly small victories have made the bigger ones so much easier to achieve.  I have historically interviewed horribly, because when I have felt like I really “needed” a job or it was something I wanted very badly, I psyched myself out by thinking I wasn’t good enough or that if I didn’t get it I was screwed.  These exercises in overcoming fear have given me the confidence to walk into an interview and know my worth, and it has completely worked to my advantage.  I aced the interview and actually declined the offer because it didn’t match my standards.  I know what I am capable of, and I am just as valuable of an asset to a company as they are to my life.  This self-assured mindset has worked its way into my relationships as well, giving me the final push required to do what I’ve always known was the right thing, even though it meant losing someone I thought I needed in my life.  At the end of the day, the lesson I’ve taken away is this-you are capable of doing anything you want to do, you can do it on your own without anyone else, and mental blocks are 99% of what is holding you back.  Overcome the mind and you can open yourself to a whole new exciting life.  Can’t wait to see what’s next!