Appalachian Barbie

(September 5, 2019)

Last Friday I had to make the dreaded visit to the veterinarian with my first-born fur baby Mousey.  In addition to the general fact that he’s no spring chicken at 14 years old, the last few months of back and forth from Tri-Cities to Nashville has really worn him down.  While his appetite hasn’t changed, he has lost a bit of weight and there has been a dramatic increase in his water consumption- both of which are NOT good signs for dogs.  Upon relaying this info to the staff at the vet, the obvious worry from their end did not ease my fears in the least.  They took blood and after a torturous 20-minute wait for processing, we finally received the results-the cantankerous thing is as healthy as a horse.  He’s just old. 

This scare was a real wake-up call regarding the bond between me and my dogs.  It’s cliché to say it, but they ARE my children.  In the 14 years since I adopted Mousey from the Washington County Animal Shelter, he’s been by my side for every major event of my adult life, while the other two dogs joined 12 ½ and 4 years ago.  College graduation, 3 moves, a wedding, a divorce, true love, heartbreak, every celebration and every loss, they have always been there at the end of the day to love me unconditionally.  Dogs are amazing in that way and that’s why we don’t deserve them. 

I can vividly remember the first time I laid eyes on each of my little critters.  On the day I found Mousey, I went to visit with the dogs at the shelter, as I used to do frequently during my early years of college.  There he was, all 5lbs of him, alone and scared in an otherwise empty concrete stall.  He’s always been so timid and anxious, even at 4 months old. I knew I couldn’t let him spend a second longer in there.  So I paid his fee and within 2 days he had been neutered, vaccinated and was ready for pickup.  I brought him home to my little 400 square foot apartment on the Tree Streets, where he had his own comfy bed, toys and all the food and treats he could ask for, and for about a year and a half it was just the two of us.  But I was busy working two jobs and attending school full-time and he was lonely.  Thus began my search for the perfect little companion, and that’s when I discovered Small Breed Rescue of East Tennessee (SBRET) on Facebook.  There amongst all the other happy hairy faces was the sweetest white chihuahua with big dark brown eyes.  His name was “Wizard,” which was a stupid name, but I was drawn to him and he was the same age as Mouse, so a home visit was arranged and within a few weeks he was welcomed into our little pack as well.  It took almost no time at all for his feisty personality to begin to show and a name change was in order.  Watching the reign of terror a dog that small could bring upon grown men was almost comical, so I named him Skeletor after my favorite cartoon villain.  He was the exact antithesis of Mousey and they were the perfect match of yin and yang. 

Finally, in 2015, it was 10 years after the first adoption and what feels like a lifetime had elapsed.  I had puppy fever.  I was newly married and realized the other two were hitting middle age.  As I was scrolling my Facebook feed, I saw a picture of a shaggy Pomeranian mix with the cutest underbite I’d ever seen.  A girl from my high school was giving him away and yet again, something inside me said I could not let this dog go.  I was a bit hesitant because my dogs are pretty bonded and I didn’t know how and if they would accept him.  I’ll let you know right now, Mousey refused.  He has resented that dog since the day I got him because Sherman thinks he is a STAR.  Even now, 4 years later, he won’t have anything to do with him, he simply tolerates his existence and probably spends all his naps dreaming of his untimely demise.  Sherman is rambunctious, curious and thick-headed as they come, but he’s also the cutest dog you ever saw and he loves attention.  Basically, he’s eternally an 11lb toddler covered in fur.  He would be perfectly fine being carried around like a baby all day long, but he also gets a lot of kicks out of making a mess, barking at his own farts and inappropriately burping in your face when you think he’s trying to be affectionate. 

While my pack of little terrors have never been much in the way of learning tricks or obedience, the feats canines perform are truly incredible, whether they’re a trained behavior or instinct.  Think about it- we rely on dogs to assist us with tasks humans could never possibly do.  Like sniffing out drugs or cadavers, or aiding in a rescue mission.  They can lead the blind and calm the effects of autism.  And we’ve all seen the videos of dogs who rescue other animals or humans with no training whatsoever.  They are truly the most empathic creatures on the face of the planet. 

For these reasons I am sickened by those who harm animals, especially when they depend on us for everything and give so much in return.  Like children, they’re just naturally good and pure.  My dogs have seen me at my best and worst and they loved me just the same, which is more than I can say for any human except my parents.  In return for the bare necessities of food, shelter and water, they have licked my tears, curled up to comfort me and met me at the door with a smile and wagging tail every single time I’ve walked through the door for almost 15 years, no matter if I was gone for 5 minutes or 5 days.  I said it earlier, but we just don’t deserve dogs and the love they so freely and indiscriminately give us.  Sadly I’m all too aware that one day I will have to say goodbye to these little guys.  I don’t know how I’ll cope with that, as I don’t think I’ve ever suffered a loss that great or so close to me.  But I hope I will be able to find comfort in knowing that as much as I “saved” them, they did so much more in saving me when I needed it most.  I believe you have a lot of soulmates in this life and it doesn’t always have to be a love interest.  Best friends, human or animal, can come into your life and serve just as much purpose as anything else.  Hug your pets tight and show them a little extra love when you can, because their time with us is never long enough.  And if you have the opportunity and it feels right, please PLEASE adopt an animal in need.  They might just be the ones saving you. 

(August 28, 2019)

There comes a point in every person’s life where the role of child is drastically redefined and the relationship with our parents or caretakers takes a turn.  For some this change can happen so gradually it’s hardly noticed, while for others, there is a defining moment or event that makes everything different.  But how do we cope with the mental stress and power struggles that are sure to ensue?  These are the questions I’m battling at the moment and I know I’m not alone in fighting this battle.

As a child I always looked to my parents as all-knowing superheroes.  While my parents are still my biggest heroes and role models, there was a point as I reached adulthood where I had to come to terms with the fact that my parents weren’t perfect and they were just people like myself who had lived and learned as they went along, making choices that seemed right in the moment but maybe in hindsight hadn’t been the best.  Just like everyone else they had regrets and made mistakes because they were humans without a blueprint for how to do everything correctly.  The most important thing is that no matter what, they loved me as hard as they could and did everything to keep me healthy, happy and safe.  They also learned from their mistakes and did their best to ensure I learned from them as well and was afforded a better life than they were given, and for that reason they are my heroes and lifesavers.

Now that we are all older, several circumstances have changed that are causing me a great deal of grief.  The first being that I always wanted to be able to give my parents the care-free life of retirement they deserved in return for the loving and supportive upbringing they provided me.  At 33 years old, my life is not where I always planned it to be and financially I am not near stable enough to help them in times of emergency.  That troubles me to no end.  I would do anything to help my parents, but you have to be able to help yourself first.  Following this career change I am at a point of rebuilding my savings and career and basically back to living paycheck-to-paycheck which is not a spot I like to be in.  My parents would never ask for my help and they certainly aren’t now, but when you have seen your parents work back-breaking jobs your entire life, sometimes 2 at a time just to make ends meet, you just want them to be able to kick back and relax in the second half of their life. 

Another struggle that is plaguing me is the power dynamic that has shifted within our relationship.  Just as I had to realize my parents weren’t perfect superheroes, they have to accept that while I will always be their child, I am now a grown adult who sometimes might know more about the world than themselves.  My parents weren’t people who stayed up-to-date with technological advances so when it comes to a lot of day-to-day normalcies, they insist on doing things the most backward and outdated way.  I guess that’s fine and none of my business as long as it makes them happy, but I can’t see the reasoning behind wasting entire days of your life paying bills in person when you could pay them all in minutes online.  I would rather they spend their free time doing something enjoyable, and on a more personal note, I am looking toward the future and thinking about what a pain in the ass it is going to be when and if I ever have to handle their finances. 

That brings me to the final point in this headache.  I am in a somewhat unfortunate position in all this because I am an only child.  There are no brothers and sisters to bear the weight of this responsibility or to help out with finances.  I have no one to back me up or try to reason with them when they’re being stubborn and god forbid when someone gets sick or worse, all of those decisions and care-taking will fall on me alone.  This is what causes me the most pain and anxiety because it’s an inevitable reality that I have come to terms with but my parents aren’t ready to accept.  No one, myself included, wants to admit they’re getting older or be made to feel “useless,” “helpless,” or a burden in any capacity.  But at some point you have to admit to yourself that life will play out and you must be prepared.  Instead of turning over some things to me now while everyone is healthy and mentally together, they fight me tooth and nail and insist on continuing to live in a way that isn’t the most conducive to an easier future for any of us.  Even small things that would make my life easier when that time comes, like signing them up for online bill pay and having a hand in their finances or creating a reasonable budget that they actually adhere to is met with a wall of resistance that frustrates me to no end.  And I am not innocent here.  I am a very straightforward person with almost zero patience and do not handle the situation with the most tact and understanding so in my frustrations I end up hurting people’s feelings when all I want to do is help.   It’s exhausting. 

I know I’m not the first person to have these issues arise on the path of life, and if you’re fighting the same battle, know you’re not alone.  One day we all will be in a position where we have to accept that we’re older and maybe not wiser and hopefully we will all have people who love us enough to want to take care of us.  As a single woman with no plans for children or marriage again, I do often worry about who will play that role for me in my later years, but that’s an article for a different day.  Take care of those you love and who love you, give them grace and patience and understanding where it’s needed and call your therapist for guidance.  That’s the only advice I have and am currently accepting any other sage wisdom from those who have faced similar situations.

(August 22, 2019)

I read somewhere once that people are basically just plants with more complex emotions and that all we need is food, water and sunlight to thrive.  That may only be partially true, but I do believe the things that afford us our best lives are simple, easy and mostly free.  That’s right.  Despite what Instagram tells us, to truly live your best life, you don’t need to be poppin’ bottles with models on a yacht, although that doesn’t sound bad at all.  If you’re imbalanced at your core, even the most luxurious of indulgences aren’t going to fill you up.  These are the suggestions based on personal experience that have enhanced my quality of life and I hope they can be integrated into your day to put a little pep in your step as well. 

• Start the day with gratitude.  If you’re like me you probably wake up to a blaring alarm clock, trying to figure out who, what and where you are, thrashing around to find your cell phone while your body reminds you of your age with ever pop, crack and ache.  But before your feet hit the floor, take just a moment to find ONE thing, just one, to really truly be thankful for.  Even if it’s just the lumpy mattress you woke up on, or the fact you own a cell phone, you’re still living better than some.  Be grateful you have yet another opportunity to live.
• Care about what you put in your body.  I am the first to admit I love to indulge on good food and drink.  Whether it’s a 6 course culinary tour of the tastebuds paired with wine, or just a night of deliciously greasy pizza, wings and beers, I get a lot of joy out of stuffing my face with things that taste good.  However, those things are not meant to be your main source of nutrition.  Keep your diet simple by trying to eat things that don’t have to be manipulated much to consume- things like lean proteins, fresh veggies and fruits and nuts.  Add in some whole grains and full fat dairy if you want.  Listen, I would love to live off of brownie a’la mode and chicken tenders, but my body operates better when I’m giving it what it needs and not what it wants.  Train yourself to eat for fuel not for taste and your entire perspective on food will change.
• Elevate your heart rate at least 30 minutes a day.  Whether it’s 2 brisk 15 minute walks around the block or a 2 hour gym sesh, get your blood pumping for that minimum of 30 minutes.  That is 2% of your day.  Do me a favor and check your activity on Instagram.  I can guarantee we all average more than 30 minutes a day doing that.  Walk your dog, climb on the treadmill that is being used as a clothes hanger and catch up on your favorite show, play kickball with your kids, just do something.  Like Elle Woods says, “exercise gives you endorphins.  Endorphins make you happy.  Happy people don’t shoot their husbands.” 
• Get outside.  Like plants, we do need a certain level of sunshine to thrive.  Vitamin D deficiency can cause bone pain and muscle weakness and has been associated with increased risk of death from cardiovascular disease, cognitive impairment in older adults, severe asthma in children and even cancer.  Even if the weather sucks, try to get in as much time in fresh air as possible and definitely take advantage of those nice days.  Eat your lunch outside or take your laptop to a patio.  Many of the things we do from the comfort of the couch can also be done outside. 
• Drink plenty of water.  Just do it.  If humans were meant to survive off soda and sweet tea, the skies would rain down with Mountain Dew.  Drinking water will give you clearer skin, make you lose weight, help with digestion, alleviate headaches and just all around solve a lot of your problems.  Stay hydrated. 
• Listen to music.  Whatever makes you feel something when you hear it, listen to that.  Sometimes I get so stuck on listening to podcasts or having the TV on just for background noise, that I forget how powerful music can be.  If I’m having a bad day, the right song can make me smile.  It can pump me up for a workout, cause me to dance in my kitchen while I’m making dinner, help me unwind in the tub, or if the wrong thing comes on my shuffle, it can turn my guts and make me cry.  Never underestimate the power of music in your life and try to explore genres that you may not be familiar with.
• Unplug and focus inward for at least 15 minutes.  This is a tough one for me.  I’ve mentioned before that it’s near impossible for me to meditate.  My mind is constantly ticking and I always feel like I need to be doing something.  Just by checking my activity time on Instagram like I mentioned before, I am horrified at the amount of time I spend just scrolling.  You really don’t realize how much those quick log-ins at red lights or from the bathroom start to add up, but if I were to be spending that amount of time daily on a porno site, people would say I had an addiction.  Look, this new way of life is doing us no favors.  Laying down in bed and scrolling until you fall asleep is damaging relationships with partners and affecting the quality of sleep, and that’s a proven fact.  Put the phone down at least 15 minutes before you fall asleep.  Take that time to connect with your partner, or meditate or make a to-do list for the next day.  We’re all addicted to our phones and we need an intervention. 

I hope these little tidbits can be a welcome addition to your life like they have mine.  Try to integrate them and still enjoy your indulgences.  A life of moderation is a life well-lived!

(August 15, 2019)

One of the lessons I’ve had to learn as an adult woman is the difference between being alone and being lonely.  At a time in my life where I am hundreds of miles away from family and friends and starting my life over from scratch, it’s sometimes hard to differentiate between the two.  I feel like this matter plagues a lot of other people as well, and oftentimes we confuse one for the other which can lead to poor decisions and years of regrets. 

To begin, let’s lay down some hard truths about the difference between being alone and being lonely.  Being alone simply means physically there is no one else around you.  Which is virtually impossible if you are a human being on Earth.  Unless you are stranded on a raft in the middle of the ocean with no internet connection, not one of us is ever truly alone.  In a world that is so over-populated and connected in every way by the internet, no one has to worry about the problem of being isolated.  You can walk out of your home and probably see cars full of people or pass others on the street.  You can get online and communicate with millions of people you either know or don’t know on news feeds and forums and engage on any topic that interests you.  However, when you have all this accessibility to other people and still feel like you’re the only person on the planet, that is loneliness.  It is possible to be surrounded by people 24 hours a day and still ache for connection because there is something missing from your life and you have yet to figure it out. 

One of the loneliest times in my life was when I was married.  It also was the time in my life where I was literally never alone.  I was surrounded by people for 8 hours a day at my job and my ex-husband and I would communicate via text all day long until we both finished up with our obligations and spent the rest of the day and night together.  Although physically we were in the same room, on the same couch or in the same bed, I felt more alone with him than when I was in the house by myself.  There was no connection, and nothing will make you feel lonelier than when you’re trying with everything in you to force that with no reciprocation from the other end. 

I ended up in that situation the way I think a lot of women, especially in the south, do.  I had it engrained in my head that I HAD to be married by 30.  If I didn’t get hitched by then, no one would want me because I would be old and useless, like an expired gallon of milk.  So I compromised many of my own standards and overlooked every red flag that told me the relationship wasn’t fulfilling and forced myself to believe it was true love, simply because the alternative was to end it and risk growing old alone.  I have so many friends who admittedly stay in unhealthy relationships or hop out of one and straight into another because they are so deathly scared of being alone.  They are so uncomfortable with the thought of just being enough for themselves that they force things for years that are ultimately a waste of time and it breaks my heart.  I admire and respect every woman in my life for being beautiful, talented, strong and smart and yet they don’t feel like a whole person without a partner who sometimes is nothing more than a warm body.  If there is one thing I want them all to know, as well as every young girl reading this or even myself 10 years ago, it’s that choosing to be alone over lowering your standards is the greatest gift you can give yourself.  I’ve learned more about who I am as a person, grown spiritually and mentally, gained more self-esteem and ultimately become a better partner for someone in the future in the years since my divorce than I ever did in all the years I spent in long-term, dead end relationships.  The peace of mind that comes from knowing you can take care of yourself is priceless and so is the insight you gain into what makes YOU happy and fulfilled, because that is what you learn when you’re not sidetracked by investing in someone else. 

Last night I walked my dogs through my new neighborhood, past the large beautiful farmhouse-style homes and impeccable landscaping.  I came upstairs to my own apartment with the big white quartz island and 65” TV, where I opened a bottle of my favorite wine, ate way too much stinky cheese and watched 4 episodes of Frasier reruns back to back with my 3 little dogs and not one time did it occur to me that I wished someone else was there.  Instead all I could think about is how proud I am to be able to give myself these things without the help of anyone else.  I am so blissfully happy and content in my life right now that the thought of actually finding myself in a relationship is what is scaring me because I don’t want to mess up what I have.  I’ve worked too hard and overcome too much to let someone back in who could compromise my present and the goals I have for my future.  Don’t get me wrong, relationships are wonderful.  TRUE LOVE is wonderful.  But don’t let your fear of being ALONE drive you into a lifetime of LONELINESS.  Take the time to become your own person without the influence of someone else.  Achieve some goals completely on your own and figure out what your standards are for a companion and stick to them.  Personally, the thought of spending my life married to someone who doesn’t respect me, cheats and/or lies or just in general doesn’t fulfill me in any sense, seems like a much scarier option than a lifetime of being single and doing whatever I want, whenever I want. 

(August 7, 2019)

I am not what most would call a particularly spiritual or religious person.  I tend to stick to more practical explanations to life’s great wonders and believe only in things that are tangible and measurable.  I do not think I am right in this line of thinking, or that anyone who is religious is wrong, this is just what makes the most sense to me based on my own human experience.  With all that in mind, I do believe in energy, because it is something that can be measured.  We can literally power machines with the energy of the sun, so why is our own human energy not transferable as well?  Einstein said energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be transferred or changed from one form to another, and Newton claimed for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  They both seemed like guys much smarter than myself so I trust their judgement.  It is for this reason and based on personal experiences that I firmly believe in the power of karma. 

Everything we do attracts energy back into our lives.  This line of thinking is the basic idea behind “The Secret;” that we can manifest anything into our lives simply by “thinking” it into existence.  There’s a lot more to it, but essentially the things we focus on is what we bring into our lives.  So if you’re constantly focused on sickness, sadness or negativity, you are going to subconsciously attract more of that into your life.  While on the flip side, if you already see yourself having the things you want and focusing on health, happiness and positivity, you will in turn naturally harvest more and more of those things. 

In my lifetime I have done things I am not proud of and have wronged people, some of whom I didn’t know.  I have also been very wronged by others. Some people were strangers on the phone who cursed at me violently when I was 17 years old and just trying to make money as a part-time telemarketer.  Another was the person I loved and trusted more than anything who, over the course of a year and a half, repeatedly lied and deceived me and intentionally destroyed every aspect of my life.  For both myself and everyone else, you don’t get away with this type of behavior.  The things you do eventually come back to you, whether they are good or bad.  Karma is not always immediate, so it’s sometimes missed and goes unnoticed. But believe me when I tell you, these things always are repaid to us. 

This week I saw that a person who hurt me a great deal was receiving some pretty public negativity.  My first reaction was to be petty, to gloat to anyone who would listen that this individual who hurt me so badly was finally getting served an ounce of the pain they had inflicted on me.  Thankfully, I stopped myself and really thought this through.  Someone else’s hardships are never anything to rejoice.  As soon as you take pleasure in the anguish of others, you are inviting the same into your own life.  And trust me, I don’t care if you are Mother Teresa, there are always people out there who want to see you fail.  I also realized that the Law of Karma doesn’t affect the offender exclusively, so oftentimes innocent bystanders suffer alongside them.  When it comes to matters of business or family, the bad deeds of one can sully the name and reputation of the entire group.  Or as they say, one bad apple spoils the bunch.  Most sad of all, sometimes the worst people never fully reap the karma of their behavior because their narcissism doesn’t allow them to ever accept any responsibility in wrongdoing.  Instead they just continue to never learn from their actions, repeating them over and over, and the people around them suffer instead.

If someone hurts you or vice versa, take comfort in knowing one day, that hurt will return.  They or you will one day suffer that same amount of hardship.  It’s so important to try and offset these incidences with positive karma.  To fill our lives with as many good deeds and positivity as possible, not only because it will selfishly improve the quality of our own existence, but will also just make the world a better place in general.  Sometimes it’s difficult not to dwell in negativity or wish bad things to people, especially when we don’t deserve the deeds they’ve dealt us.  But in those cases where you cannot find it in you to forgive, do everything you can to forget.  Forget about that person and let the power of the universe take control.  Forgive, forget, do whatever you have to do to lift the burden of their actions because it is only serving to weigh YOU down, not them.  Think about it, when you’re carrying the weight of another person’s bad behavior, you’re making it lighter and easier on them.  Dump all that responsibility on the rightful owner and focus on moving forward, because when all that comes back around, they alone will have to endure the karmic repercussions. 

I wish all of you nothing but the best this upcoming week and hope it’s filled with nothing but karmic blessings! 

*Note* When I wrote this in July of last year, I had no idea just how relevant the term “new normal” would come to be.

(July 31, 2019)

I have to get a little serious this week. 

Every morning I get up and turn on the Today Show while I’m getting ready and making breakfast.  It’s mostly background noise, but certain things will pique my interest and I will tune in for a moment to catch up on what is happening in the world outside of my current environment.  As they rolled into the third hour, I heard the anchor discussing a mass shooting at a garlic festival in California the day before.  They spent approximately 30 seconds to 1 minute on the topic before moving on and launching into a 5 minute piece about YouTube camp for children who want to learn to become viral stars.  I didn’t even turn the volume up while they were reporting on the shooting and hardly turned away from flipping my eggs to get the gist of the piece, as it was so uneventful and unsurprising to me.  There is something very wrong with this.

I am old enough to remember the rise in popularity of mass shootings.  I was in 7^th grade when Columbine happened, and it affected every single person I knew.  Even though we were thousands of miles away from Colorado, students, parents and school officials alike were all scared stiff that something like that could happen to us.  It changed laws and rules, even at my little county middle school.  We all had to carry clear backpacks and safety officers were placed on campus from that point on.  It was the most chilling and gruesome event I had heard of at that point in my life. 

It was only a few short years later that 9/11 happened when I was a sophomore.  The entire school stopped whatever they were doing and tuned in to the news feed of ground zero, and we all watched in horror as the 2^nd plane crashed in real time.  When you’re 15 years old you can’t comprehend the gravity of what is going on during a situation like that, but I still remember watching the blurry black figures of people jumping out of windows and feeling deeply disturbed. 

By 2007 I was well into my college years when the Virginia Tech shooting happened.  ETSU went into overdrive with worry and that was the point when college campuses everywhere upped their security measures.  When I heard about it, I was sitting in one of those huge auditorium classes that have about 200 people in them.  As I looked around the room, it occurred to me that if someone were to snap and do the same thing at ETSU, we in this room were all just sitting ducks with nowhere to go.  From that day forward, I have never been able to be in a crowded area without thinking at least once “if a mad man pulls a gun out and starts shooting, where can I go?”

These atrocities changed my life and the world we all live in.  I realized just yesterday that the legal drinking year is 1998 now, which means that the 21-year-olds of America were merely toddlers when all this started up.  They’ve never lived in a world where you could go hop on a plane without going through a barefoot scan of your insides first.  They’ve never known what it was like to have to be on standby and wait on the news to report things on television instead of viewing it instantaneously on their social media feed.  Thanks to the internet, where you can literally see any and every horror known to man, nothing is shocking anymore.  And due to this 24-hour news cycle and desensitization, we are now all living in a world where we are averaging more than one mass shooting a day in America.  I want to say that again- as of the day I am writing this, July 31, 2019, the 212^th day of the year, there have been 248 mass shootings. (*Statistic taken from news article on CBSNews.com) This is not ok…this is terrifying.  

 I am not writing this article to incite a heated political debate about gun control or what will solve this problem.  The truth is, I don’t know that we can stop it.  There is a multitude of factors swirling around that is feeding into this behavior and where we are as a society, I don’t think we can go backward.  People as a whole are more selfish and it’s more about the “me” than the “us,” and everyone is hungry for fame or feeling important.  I personally don’t think it has anything to do with accessibility to weapons; guns have always been available, that hasn’t changed.  We have changed.  No one wants to be accountable for their own demons, they want to blame everyone else and if they have to go down, they’re going to take down as many people as possible with them.  The frequency of these events have deadened our emotions to the point that we don’t even flinch when they happen.  In a time where we’re all documenting every second of our lives, down to the food we eat or the car ride we take to work, seeing firsthand cell-phone footage from victims of mass shootings doesn’t even impact the general public.  I watched a 20/20 documentary recently about the Las Vegas country music fest shooting.  There were hours of first person videos-people running while gun fire crackled around them.  People being trampled, scattering, not knowing where to go.  While it gave me an inside view of what the panic and terror is actually like during something like that, it still didn’t affect me the same as being 15-years-old and watching that lone dark fuzzy figure jumping on his own from the World Trade Center. 

I don’t want to live like this anymore.  I want to be able to go to a festival without feeling the need to visually identify exits in case someone decides to lose their mind and start shooting.  I want to enjoy a concert without a little voice in my head reminding me that there is a very real possibility that I could be a victim of a massacre.  I urge you all to think about this for yourselves and do all you can to be kind and loving to your peers, even those you don’t understand.  Especially those people.  The only thing that can overcome evil and darkness is light and kindness, and in this day and age we need all of that we can get.  Remind yourselves that it wasn’t always like this, and it doesn’t have to be. 

*https://www.cbsnews.com/news/there-have-been-more-mass-shootings-than-days-in-2019/

(July 24, 2019)

In my efforts to connect with more people during my time spent in Nashville, I reached out to an acquaintance from college who has lived here for several years and asked her for some recommendations that might be accommodating for a single 30-something new to the city.  The girl was gracious enough to not only share her phone number, but also invited me to dinner with her and a few of her girlfriends on Saturday night, which I eagerly accepted.  I’ve only really gotten to keep up with her through Instagram over the years since ETSU, but beyond being one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met in real life, she has incredible style and an active (and enviable) social calendar.  This is the adult equivalent of being asked to sit at the “cool” table during lunch, and I suddenly felt a strange anxiety about the whole ordeal that I’ve not encountered since middle school.  For the first time in decades, I agonized over what I was going to wear and how I was going to do my makeup so I could fit in as best as possible.  Finally, Saturday rolled around and I met them at a hot new sushi restaurant in Germantown.  I only THOUGHT my nerves were bad leading up to this event. 

As soon as they stepped out of their black SUV Lyft, my stomach sank.  Their tiny, toned bodies were wrapped in skin-tight dresses, designer handbags dangling from their shoulders and there wasn’t so much as a smidge of their makeup that wasn’t perfectly blended and contoured.  I stood there, in my goofy ruffly “cute” dress and heels from Ross, looking like I was waiting to be picked up by the church van for Sunday School.  Thanks to the sudden monsoon I had to brave on my way to the restaurant, my hair extensions were somehow frizzy and stringy at the same time, and every bit of my makeup had shifted slightly to the left.  I looked and felt like a total nightmare. 

These girls turned out to be really sweet and fun.  They made me feel welcome and included and were not snotty in the least, which they had every reason and right to do the total opposite.  We had a great dinner then went to my favorite rooftop bar, but despite their best efforts, I was just too self-conscious to be able to enjoy myself, so I called it an early night and headed home to crash.  Upon waking the next morning, I found myself in the throes of insecurity like I’ve never known before.  The first thing I did was hit the gym, then the store to meal prep tons of lean protein and veggies, all the while maintaining a constant stream of hateful conversation with myself about how I’ve let myself go to hell. 

“Don’t even look at the wine section, you fat turd.  Can’t you feel your gut bouncing with every step?  You don’t deserve to even look in the direction of desserts after you’ve let yourself get in this shape.  The only thing you deserve is an eternity on the treadmill and filling dinners of grilled chicken with a side of air.”

I considered setting my closet on fire and just cooking my food in that, since nothing I own is fit to be worn anymore, but opted for a gas grill in the end.  All week I’ve managed to make it to the gym at least once, sometimes twice for cardio sessions on the Peloton bike and HIIT strength conditioning.  I’ve stuck to my diet, only straying for a margarita in honor of National Tequila Day.  I am sore, hungry, tired but ultimately I feel better about myself. 

The point of this article is to address insecurity.  I’ve previously mentioned my lifelong struggle with body image, but despite those issues, I’ve been able to develop myself into a confident and secure woman.  In my comfort bubble back home, I never felt pressure or unease about mingling with a certain group of people regardless of their social status or beauty, because I know who I am and what I bring to the table.  I’m not saying there aren’t stunningly beautiful women in the Tri-Cities, this is just a whole other level.  When the girls around you all look and dress like Kardashians, it’s hard not to feel inadequate. 

I’ve realized that the pressure I’m feeling is actually fear.  These girls have the life I’ve always wanted.  They’ve achieved the look I’ve always wanted and now I’m being slapped with the reality that it’s not just the intangible stars on TV and Instagram who live like this, there are real human beings with a ton of discipline who have managed to build this for themselves.  My insecurity comes from the awareness that due to my own laziness and lack of self-control, I have still not achieved something that I’ve always wanted.  Yet again, I’m being faced with a fear to conquer. 

Listen, looks and material things are not what matter in the end.  I could lose all the weight in the world, win the lottery and marry People magazines Sexiest Man Alive.  None of that would matter if I didn’t address the root of my issues, which I am doing now.  I don’t need to fix my outward appearances that I dislike, I need to fix the inward, and that is my tendency to half-ass things and not finish what I started.  That is the real root of the problem and it is also the root of the things that are manifesting outwardly. 

I am so glad to be given this challenge.  I love being in a position where my discomfort is motivating me to do better.  I need to be healthier and get back on track with my diet and exercise and this is pushing me in that direction.  I always feel happier and more confident when I’m active and eating fresh nutritious food, as opposed to when I’m splurging on alcohol and pizza.  I am grateful to this new group of girls who have been kind enough to offer me a seat at the popular table and without saying a word, encouraged me to shape up.  This is the type of motivation that I need to build self-confidence and eliminate my insecurity.  Do I think every woman reading this needs to look like a Playboy model to achieve their highest self? NO!!  I want every woman to be comfortable and secure, no matter who she is with or what she is wearing.  One of my biggest role models right now is Lizzo.  Her confidence inspires me every day and she is unapologetically a bigger girl.  But she is comfortable in her skin and loves herself and THAT is what makes me look up to her.  I think women all have a responsibility to lift each other up and share our strengths where they are needed because there’s enough bad stuff in the world without having to face negativity or isolation from our peers. 

Cheers to becoming our best selves, and I hope you all have an amazing week!

(July 18, 2019)

Following what has been probably the most hectic and exhaustive few weeks of my life, I was excited for my monthly meeting with Therapist last weekend.  I hadn’t spoken with him since I started my new job and with a couple of other personal matters exploding in my life, an unbiased and well-trained ear to listen was just what I needed.  We spoke about all the transition occurring in my life and how I was feeling a lot of negative emotions-unsettled, sad, defeated, lonely.  And then he presented a concept that had somehow never occurred to me:  your thoughts control your emotions, not the other way around. 

It’s always seemed to me at face value that the emotions I’m feeling are driving the thoughts in my brain.  If I’m feeling down in the dumps, it drives my brain to focus on negativity and sad ideas.  On the flip side of the coin, if I am feeling jubilant or excited, my thoughts are empowered, happy and positive.  It never crossed my mind that the root of these feelings were stemming from the thoughts in my head, which seems like a simple enough concept when written out on paper, but when you’re struggling through a bout of depression or anxiety, it’s hard to realize you are manifesting it with your brain, because all you feel is the stress of the emotion. 

Gaining this knowledge can be one of the most powerful tools in life.  The ability to control internal dialogue can change lives, but it is far easier said than done.  I personally am someone who is never at peace.  For that reason, meditation has proven to be incredibly difficult for me, due to the fact that I am unable to silence the conversations in my brain, and it’s also the source of my anxiety issues.  Mastering this skill takes time and practice, just like learning to play an instrument or a sport.  Eventually with enough work, you’re able to perform these acts without any effort at all, as they’ve just become second nature.  For example, imagine a person who has never played basketball in their life.  They’ve just been handed a ball and asked to run from one end of the court to the other while dribbling.  That person is going to be clumsy, looking down at their feet and hands, fumbling to control the direction of the bounce and extremely slow.  Now imagine LeBron James or any other NBA player performing the same task.  You hardly notice the dribble as they rush up and down the court.  That is because these athletes have practiced this movement for thousands of hours over their lifetime and it has now become second nature.  Dribbling the ball is the last thing on their mind as they’re playing the game.  With enough work, the human mind can be trained to immediately flip a negative thought into one of positivity and gratitude with hardly any effort at all. 

The key to this is to stay present.  I read a quote once that has stuck with me through a lot of hard stuff in my life and I really want to emphasize it so it can maybe help someone else.  You cannot suffer the past or future because they do not exist.  What you are suffering is your memory and imagination.  Time is not a tangible concept, so the only thing that is real and able to be controlled, is the present.  So often, actually 99.9% of the time, the things that cloud our brain are memories of something that has already occurred and we cannot revisit or our dreams of what “could have been,” of which we will never know because those events never transpired and no one can predict the future.  If we just brought ourselves into focus on what is going on at this very moment and that is all, how much stress would there be?  Currently, I am sitting in front of my computer in a very nice apartment that I am paying for with a job I love.  I have parents who are alive and healthy and love me and 3 little dogs who are sleeping peacefully.  The weather is not unbearably hot yet and I feel a little hungry, which I can easily fix with food in my refrigerator.  That’s it.  That is all that is real and when I think about it that way, I feel relieved and calm.  That mindset of gratitude for what I currently have is going to drive me to work harder to keep these things I love and need, so in that respect, I do not need to worry about the money I a bringing in and if it will be enough to cover my bills in August.  That is the future and is a problem that does not even exist yet.  This line of thinking can also be so helpful during times of actual crisis as well, to help keep you calm and focused and able to better help the situation than fall apart at the seams. 

I have been feeling very hurt, dejected and saddened lately over a situation where I am suffering the memories of what turned out to be a relationship built on lies from the start, and the dreams of what life could have been IF this or that had actually happened.  When I bring myself into focus on the current state of those circumstances, it is far easier to let go.  This person, at present, is a proven liar who has hurt and betrayed me repeatedly.  They are not the memory of who I thought they were, nor will they become that person in the future no matter how much I stress over it.  That realization brings me a lot of peace and has immediately flipped my brain, at least momentarily from a negative space to a positive one and my emotions have went from anxious to relaxed.  Control your thoughts and you can control your emotions. 

For anyone else going through a tumultuous time, I hope you join me in practicing this mindset to better your life all the way around.  Take stock of situations as they stand right now.  Are you staying in a relationship or friendship simply because of how it used to be or what it was supposed to be like in the future, but in the reality of here and now it only causes grief and stress?  Think about that and adjust it accordingly.  We can only control ourselves in life, which I’ve said before and is also something I struggle with.  Next time you have angry or sad thoughts, ask yourself if they are stemming from something happening right now, actively try to take inventory of all the good things in your life in the moment and replace those negative views with ones of gratitude.  I promise it will change everything. 

(July 10, 2019)

Being away from home so much as of late has really inspired a new love of my home here in Tri-Cities.  It’s funny how most of the time to truly appreciate something, you have to lose it in some capacity.  I never acknowledge how wonderful it is to taste food until I get sick and lose my palate to a stuffy nose.  And I never thought twice about my vehicle until I wrecked it last week and realized how much I rely on transportation and just how screwed I would be without the rental car policy on my insurance.  In the same respect, after a lifetime in the Tri-Cities, I have grown accustomed to the natural beauties and small-town treasures that abound in the area and realized just how much I’ve taken it for granted. 

Upon returning from one of my 4-day stints in Nashville, I actually took in the scenery as I drove up 19E to my house.  The mountains ahead loomed larger than I remembered, and the late afternoon sun cast a golden glow, making the trees even more lush and green than normal.  I rolled down the window and took in the sticky sweet air as I drove past the drive-in movie theatre, where people were already lined up to take in the evening show.  This is such a great place to get outside and wander.  The fact that an 8-minute drive is all that separates me from Watauga Lake and I never go enjoy it says everything about how jaded I’d become with this place.  At any time of the day or week a person can hop right on the Appalachian Trail and explore beautiful woods and waterfalls.  Or if you’re in the mood for a bike ride, you could even take a ride on the Tweetsie from Elizabethton and enjoy a Cardinals game when you arrive at the trail head in Johnson City. 

Even if you’re not in the mood to be outdoors, the Tri-Cities offers tons of things to do.  We have some of the best selections for antique shopping in the nation. Just take a stroll down any of the city’s Main Streets and you can spend the better part of an entire day falling in and out of interesting shops, boutiques and eateries.  Downtown Johnson City has really grown their Main Street and surrounding areas by leaps and bounds in the last 15 years.  When I first started hanging out downtown, no one wanted to go there.  The area was considered a bit unsafe and the only place to go was Numan’s, Gatsby’s (now Capones), the Mecca (now roughly where Korean Taco and Red Meze reside) and Halo (now Holy Taco.)  The only people wandering up and down the streets at night were vagrants and you can forget about food options.  To see the downtown economy now thriving with eclectic restaurants and bars, the beautiful green space at Founder’s and King Common, as well as the farmer’s market and multiple festivals and events, it makes my heart glow with pride. 

We have terrific museums and state parks if you’re interested in getting to know the area a little more intimately.  The Gray Fossil Site, Birthplace of Country Music, Sycamore Shoals, Bays Mountain and Warriors Path are just a handful to get you started and can be fun for all ages.  Barter Theatre runs terrific productions year-round, as does the Jonesborough Reparatory Theatre.  If you enjoy a liquid libation, the Tri-Cities is home to dozens of breweries, distilleries and vineyards where you can not only drink like a local, but also take a guided tour of the entire process from grain to glass.

When I began this article I didn’t intend on making it read like a brochure advertising the cultural delights of the area.  I genuinely wanted to remind people just how lucky we are to be able to call this place home, because I myself had forgotten.  After awhile anyone can fall into the “same old, same old” rut and feel like there’s nothing to do, when in fact there is so much right in our own backyard, we just have to take a step back to be able to see the forest through the trees.  While I’m enjoying exploring my new life in a big city, it is a relief to be able to come back and slow down.  To take a stroll downtown without being bombarded by homelessness, non-stop sirens and skyrise construction.  Not to mention the convenience of free parking!  The world is such a big place, and I cannot encourage people to travel and get outside their comfort zone enough.  However, it’s always good to come home.  So whether it’s people or places in your life, take stock of all the good things around you and don’t take them for granted.  In an instant you could lose them and you just don’t ever realize what you’ve really got til it’s gone. 

(July 4, 2019)

Apparently I am a strong person.  At least that is what people keep trying to tell me, however, I am not inclined to agree.

This isn’t going to be some article where I “humble brag” about amazing things I do that few others can master.  No, I want this to be an article where I talk about doing ordinary everyday things that for some reason, seem to be out of the realm of possibility for a young single female.  The simplest of tasks that many feel is out of the scope of their comprehension or abilities simply because of the genitalia that lies between our legs.  Or being able to get back up and trudge forward every single time life throws a curveball.  These aren’t superhuman feats of strength.  It is merely the ability to stand eye-to-eye with the things that scare or intimidate you and meet the challenge head on, along with a few critical thinking skills. 

I first want to address the subject of women being able to function independently and the level of surprise that seems to bring to a lot of people.  In the south in particular, we still have the pre-conceived notion that women are weak, wounded little birds, who need to be nurtured, cared for, tended to, thought for and fed every 30 minutes.  (Actually, that doesn’t sound half bad!)  But in reality, we have just as much ability to get things done as our male counterparts, we are just accustomed to asking someone to do it for us without even trying.  For example, I am in the process of moving half my life to Nashville.  I will be splitting my time between there and the Tri-Cities and like with any move, it’s never simple.  But my mother, bless her heart who has never been on her own without my father, is astounded that I am capable of handling these difficulties. 

“How are you going to move everything, are you going to hire movers?”

“Only to unload the truck when we arrive in Franklin.”

“What about here?”

“I have friends who are going to help load everything into a U-Haul then I’m driving it down.”

“You can’t drive a U-Haul.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s big and you can’t drive a truck that big on the interstate.  Your daddy needs to drive it.”

Sigh.  I love my parents but my mother still thinks in her mind that my damn-near 70-year-old daddy who has suffered from hearing loss since his teens and refuses to wear glasses is somehow better equipped to drive a 20’ box truck than myself, simply because he is a man.  I also had an unfortunate incident with my car while travelling, so when I chose my rental, I opted for a large pickup truck just in case I might need it for the move.  Across the board, there has been an unprecedented level of astonishment that I have been able to drive it.  Listen, if these skinny little redneck boys who dip Skoal and chug Mountain Dew and can barely see over the steering wheel can navigate a diesel powered environmental nightmare from the time they get their license, I know I can.  And I’m not an idiot.  I know my limitations, and I do not possess the physical strength to do a lot of this on my own.  But I have the mental capacity to set aside money and schedule movers as well as being humble enough to ask for help when I need it.  Easy!  This isn’t rocket science!

I think the shock factor actually comes from a woman being able to abandon what they know and start their life over again alone in unfamiliar territory.  For some reason people don’t bat an eye when a single man moves for a career opportunity, but it’s this scary, daunting, impossible task for a woman.  It’s not.  Anyone moving on their own faces the same obstacles and we’re all capable of figuring them out, especially in an age where resources are so readily available to us.  And it’s a shame that I have to worry any more than a man about my safety in a new place.  “You’re in a big city, you need to get a gun or mace,” one friend worriedly informed me.  Uh, news flash- there are monsters everywhere you go, even here in our quaint and happy little Appalachian towns.  Just google sex offenders around your home or read the local papers and you will be sadly reminded of that fact.  As a woman, I do have to stay more aware than men of my surroundings and not put myself in a situation that could be dangerous, but I have been doing that my whole life. 

In times of extreme distress in my life, I have repeatedly been told, “you’re strong.  You will get through this.”  Sometimes it is by the people who love and care about me to try to pull me out of the darkness and sometimes it’s been used by people who are hurting me a great deal to justify their bad behavior.  Either way, it is not a sentiment that I particularly welcome.  When someone is crapping all over me, the last thing I want to hear is how it’s somehow ok because I will be able to handle it and move on eventually.  Or when I suffer a loss, whether it be a job or a loved one or a pet or ANYTHING, I don’t need to be comforted with the reminder that I am capable of eventually pushing through the hard times and doing better.  In those regards, I am SICK of being strong, and wish for once, someone would give me the white glove treatment.  But it never happens that way for me, and in the end I will be better for it. 

Look, I am not “strong.”  The fact is, you don’t know what you’re capable of when you’re left with no other choice.  That’s how I look at it when bad things happen-I don’t have another choice.  I can either lay down and let this ruin me or I fix it, and no sane normal person is going to choose to lay down and die.  Man or woman, you are capable of pretty much anything, you just have to get past the self-doubt and fears and know your limitations.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.  Whether it’s a DIY project around the house or a struggle with addictions, the same processes apply.  Identify and face your fear, stop doubting yourself, acknowledge your personal limits and ask for help from people around you when you’re stuck.  This mindset can open up a whole new world.  Around 99% of the boundaries in our lives exist solely in our head, and if you can conquer that, you can do anything.