(October 3, 2019)

I am now 3 months into my transition to big city living and things are finally starting to settle down and make sense. Anytime a person relocates, I think it takes around this long to let the shock wear off, begin to build routines and generally learn the area.  I’m finally able to drive a little without using GPS and most importantly, I am really starting to develop relationships here that are deeper than a one-off dinner date.  Thankfully in my life of work, which is distributing wine and spirits for those who don’t know, it is expected of me to put in face time at my accounts… which just so happen to be amazing restaurants and cocktail bars.  Alcohol always serves as a great social lubricant, but beyond that, I’ve always had an easy time meeting new people. It’s why I have always done well in sales and customer service positions.  I have a very empathic nature that has aided me in judging the mood of people I am speaking to and how they like to converse.  It has also served me well in that I can smell BS from a mile away and am able to quickly excuse myself from situations with less than savory company.  Not everyone is this sensitive to social climates however, and it occurred to me the other day just how much harder this transition would have been on me had I been more introverted. 

For anyone who feels they have trouble connecting with others, to begin with, my best advice would be to become comfortable and confident in YOURSELF first.  The more you love and accept yourself, the less you care what anyone else thinks about you which relieves a ton of pressure.  When you can walk into a room full of people and be so self-assured you don’t even care if people talk to you or not, that is when the magic happens.  People pick up on that energy whether they know it or not.  They are attracted to those people.  And it’s not a boastful or snobby thing.  There is a thin line between confidence and arrogance, but it is definitely there.  Any time you prepare to walk into an uncomfortable situation, take a deep breath, raise your chin, slap a small smile on your face and remind yourself of all the reasons you’re great.  It sounds hokey but I swear to you it works. 

Next, I always tell people not to be afraid to go do things alone!  I am so shocked by how many women I know that won’t do anything social by themselves.  If you want to start slow, go to an activity that doesn’t require much human interaction.  Going to a movie theatre or a comedy club is perfect for this, because you literally can’t speak to anyone else the majority of the time you’re there.  Standing in line for things like this is a great way to meet people.  Everyone is bored and restless and wants something to take their mind off the wait.  Don’t be creepy, but eavesdrop on conversations around you and poke in your two cents in a way that is witty.  Make it brief, just a sentence or two and gauge how they react.  You can tell by body language and response whether they are interested in continuing the conversation.  If they’re abrasive, just turn back around, no harm no foul.  If they smile and respond, then you have an opening.  You can even make small talk with the person in the ticket booth or the concession stand for even more practice, just to make you feel more comfortable in engaging with strangers. 

I also encourage people who are alone and trying to make new acquaintances to ALWAYS sit at the bar if they’re going to a restaurant.  This serves a number of different purposes.  For starters, it’s just courteous to the staff at the bar or restaurant.  Why would you take up a table that can seat 2-4 people when you’re alone, thus taking money out of the server’s pocket when you could eat the same food and drink the same drinks while only occupying a single seat?  Don’t be rude.  Next, you will have a lot more interaction with the person who is waiting on you, because for better or for worse, that bartender is trapped behind the bar with nowhere to go while a standard server is free to roam all over the building and hide.  You also have a solid rotation of people, thus increasing the number of opportunities you have to engage.  Think about it- there are constantly going to be people approaching the bar, whether it’s to sit down and eat, grab a quick drink and run, or even those who are killing time while waiting on a table to come available.  You don’t have to engage with every stranger who happens to end up beside you, but keep a pleasant and open aura and I can guarantee someone will make idle chitchat. 

Finally, keep yourself busy enough to have something to do, but don’t be so buried in your phone or laptop that you never look up.  Bring your computer and do your work for the day, but when your food comes, close it so you can enjoy your meal.  While on that same note, if you have things to do on your computer that can be done outside of the home, consider packing your stuff up and working from a coffee shop or nice patio instead of holing up inside.  If you find somewhere you enjoy and keep going back, eventually you’ll become a regular and other people that frequent that place will recognize you in return and feel more comfortable speaking.  And finally, make sure to check your face!  As someone whose face gives away every internal emotion, I sometimes get told I have a “resting bitch face” (or RBF for short) and this can be quite off-putting.  Try to put aside any internal conflicts and look happy.  Please don’t sit staring into space with a mega-watt smile on your face or you’re going to look like a psychotic, but just try to be aware if you’re furrowing your brows or the corners of your mouth are drooping.  Agitation and frustration are easily reflected on the face and no one wants to start a conversation with someone who has negative energy. 

I hope some of this advice works if you’ve ever felt out of sorts or uncomfortable in social situations.  Remember, you have something to share with others, no matter if you’re sitting beside a 6-month-old baby or Albert freakin’ Einstein.  Be confident in yourself and others will be drawn to you, it really is that simple.